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Hello there.
It's been close to two years since I've written here.

A lot of shit has since happened.
I am only writing here because I feel helpless.
I don't know what I want, so I don't know how to achieve what I want.
I just know that what I am having now is what I don't want.
So yeah, life is awesome.

I moved out from my mom's house a couple of years ago.
I moved in with a bunch of guys.
We were pretty tight.
Then suddenly I got molested.
I blamed myself.
I didn't know how to handle.
I pushed it away.
But I felt unsafe, unsupported, partly because I pushed people away.
That was on me I guess.
I wanted to be alone.
I didn't know how to explain that, and I didn't want to.
So then, I moved out.

Throughout this time I was dealing with the beginning of a few things.
Starting my job at my dad's place.
Struggling with my friends.
I just thought, I'll wait it out.
It would get better.

Today I have cut ties with those friends.
Even after reaching out reluctantly,
I was still let down.
I thought maybe they did not get the hint so I made it obvious.
But nothing's changed.

I didn't want them to beg,
I wanted them to show that they care.
But after all that and what that bitch of a friend sam said,
I just decided, you know what, I'm not gonna wait anymore.
I'm done with these friends who don't even call.
Yeah maybe I shouldn't have just left without saying anything,
And I guess I deserve it when they didn't say anything in return.

Working at my pops is equally frustrating.
I don't know what I'm doing, but I am trying my best.
But my best is easily worth MYR3500 with experience.
Anyone can be hired, really.

I'm not like jie or kor who actually knows shit about watches.
I can't even digest much about watches even after working here for three years.
I really feel I can be replaced at any time,
But I'm just at this job because I'm family and..
What else am I supposed to do?

Geez.

I'm writing this in my room right now.
While Bryan is asleep on the couch.
Don't worry he slept there voluntarily.
Not sure if it's because he saw me crying in our bedroom.
I heard his footsteps so I'm pretty sure he knew what I was doing.

But he didn't care.
He just does't do anything.
He doesn't bring in money, sex, happiness.
He's just around to help me cook and throw rubbish.
Lately I've been feeling like if he wasn't around,
It wouldn't make a difference.

I love him a lot, honestly.
But lately I've been wondering why.
And whether, like many aspects of my life,
Should I continue waiting in hopes that things will change for the better?

I mean, I can change myself, but I can't change other people.
And If I gave them a chance to change,
And they didn't, then.. what's the point?

What is it, like I have some unrealistic expectations here?
That's another thing.
I don't even know what I want.

I don't know what do couples do when they are at home together.
How do they engage each other?
How do I not feel like I'm neglecting or not being neglected
When I am doing my own things?

Why does it feel like we're just room mates that stay in the same house?
Whether I am home or not he behaves the same way.
And lately I don't think I have been trying to make him happy.
More like what does he do to make ME happy?

I mean, we're not even having much sex.
Like, what are you providing me then?
Emotional support? Ack.
Sex? Ack.
Money? Ack Ack.

So, what CAN I expect from you?
What is your purpose in my life?
Company? I could get a pet ya know.
But no, I can't say that because I love him.
Or maybe I'm just scared no one else will.

Because everyone I cared a lot for is gone.
So maybe it is me afterall,
But it's not like I can live in Kelsey's pockets forever.

So yea, currently, really hate myself.
Hate my life particularly because I don't know how to improve it.
Just in a rut. Stuck. Lazy. Tired.

That's me.

EDIT: Things are better now on the BF front. Patience is golden.
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