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Archive for 2015

It's December.
My last post was in May.
I was thinking of privatising this blog and I did.
Just a place I can rant whenever I feel like it.

But what if I died?
Maybe they would like to see the 17 year old me to remember me by.
Or is that perhaps the worst age they could have possibly have to choose from?

Anyway.
I haven't been blogging because I didn't want to jinx it.
But I've met the most wonderful guy.
We've been together since my birthday
So that makes it about two months plus.
Relatively new.
I'm not gonna go ahead and make a conclusion that
We're gonna last because that hows all relationships start.
But I'll just naively said I have a good feeling about this one.

Scared? Hell yes.
But I have never felt more loved or wanted.
He makes me feel things.
He was so unexpected and I still can find new things to surprise me everyday.
We said so many same things at the same time
It kind of feels pointless to say "UNCANNY" again after the first dozen times.

***

I saw on FB that Jon finally met another girl and that they are official.
I guess I didn't wreck him.
I guess I was just the wrong person after all.
I feel happy for the both of us.
To know that we both have found someone better for us.

I have deleted parts of him from here and my mind.
I would think that would be for the best.

***

Bryan is in London right now.
I miss him like a flower missing spring.
So does he actually.
He gets cold easily so I got him a scarf
BUT OF COURSE
Fate goes against me and brought London 0 degrees with SNOW.
Sorry I brought my bad luck to you T.T

***

Work is as usual.
Nothing new there. We moved to a new place that
Requires me to wear a uniform so I guess there's that?

***

I guess it's obvious I unprivatised my blog
But I am not sure why.
I guess there is no fun in writing something only I can see I guess.
I haven't been to Kelsey's place for a long time now
And I felt effing guilty so I guess after the honeymoon period
Wears off I'll start re-prioritising my time to make sure I
Keep in contact with everyone I care about.

***

In other news.
Something different happened (or rather did not)
And I can't say I am surprised and
I can safely say to that friendship a hoppity
GOOD BYE!

I am aware that sounds rather immature for a 24 year old manager
But hey, not everyone is worth my time and effort.
As you grow old you have less fucks to give
And at this point my top 5 priorities are all sharing
The same two fucks divided between them so yeah.

Go fuck yourselves people.
.
  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

So Sam has been talking to me about Tinder,
And apparently there are non-perverts around.

7/10 guys who speak to me are looking for a fuck,
The other three is asking for me to vote for their picture on Facebook.

Seriously, what is it about me?
I am rather chubby and have a friendly disposition
Is there something about me that oozes sexuality?

I mean sure, I have big boobs,
But which fat chick doesn't?
I don't dress sluttily; in fact I think I dress like a girl.
Like a girl TRYING to be 20.
I don't wear high heels or deep v dresses,
I don't have slutty makeup on and I don't have fab hair.
There is nothing WOMANLY about me.

So what is it about me that attracts guys who just wants to sleep with me?
I don't get it.

Oh wait, it's SIMPLY because I have a pussy isn't it?
Or it's because of my weight that they assume I would be an easy lay?
NOT A CHALLENGE??

Well I'll show you.

It's so annoying when a guy approaches you,
And you think hey maybe this guy finds me interesting.
We can be friends and have a good conversation over dinner.
Nah, he's not speaking to me to get in my pants.
Is he?
BOOM, HE IS.

And that's always the case with me.
Always.

THEN PATHETICALLY,
When a guy who HONESTLY finds me interesting comes along,
I would be so distrustful because of what I've been through,
And I put all these assumptions into my head,
And make the whole thing go sour.

I swear it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Omg, is that right?
I haven't had a long term relationship since LW,
And that's in 2012.
It's been three years.

And here I am, scarred but not broken.
Just very dull and in need of a little polishing.

Okay this is getting a little too depressing.
How to trust people without getting hurt?
I thought I could trust Jonathan and look what happened.
The one time in three years I let my defenses down,
I hurt so bad I was bordering depression and anxiety.
January to March was the worst months I've had in my life.
At least with my mom I could sleep it over and it would be fine.

Jonathan was occuring every morning for those past months,
I'm surprised I got through what I did.
Okay I was being a pussy about it and I'm all better now,
But it was still hard alright?

So sick and tired of being replaced so friggin fast.

  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

So apparently I have more crap to say during my menstrual cycles.
Was just looking for songs that I had written but forgotten
Because I wanted to properly record them as a whole song before
I forget about them so I searched my blog with the term
"Songs".
Of course that wasn't a bright idea at all given that I would
Most probably have used that word in more than 18 posts.
So all of the posts just came pouring out.

Now, I came across this blog post of mine back in 2010.
And I said the same things Jon said.
That I have a clear sense of right and wrong,
And if I think saying the right things will hurt you,
Then it is a necessary pain that you have to go through
In order for you to learn.

Which is completely different to what I think now.
Because right is less important than illusions.
If illusions never hurt anybody,
Why bother with the truth?

Life is as difficult as it is,
Why live in Hard Mode.
We'll go though it as tutorial and if we get a second chance,
THEN we'll go expert aight?

So the point of this post is,
I was where Jon was when I was 19 and he is now 23
So there you go solid proof that females mature faster.

I miss him.
.
  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

This is a song I wrote quite some time ago
While Kelsey was away.
I wrote this song while I was still living in Subang
And it's funny how certain songs bring back
How you felt exactly at that time.

I loved staying in Subang,
It opened up a lot of different experiences for me
And I have absolutely no regrets.

But here you go,
approved by Kelsey at last

I'm Alive

Can't fall asleep,
Can't stay awake from this bad dream,
I close my eyes cuz',
In dreams I make believe that,

I can fly
In my dreams I come alive
In my dreams I can deny what is life

Can't rest my heart
I'm broken apart inside
I scream and I plead
Somebody please tell me

That I can fly
I don't need to dream or die
To make me believe that I was alive

C Am G F G

Breathe into me ahh
You who made me wish I was alive

Can't fall asleep
Can't fill this void inside
I reach out for someone out there
Does anyone care that I am

Blank inside
I'm ready to breathe
I'm not dead inside I want to survive

I'm tired of bleeding, No, I am fine
or am I fine tonight?
.
  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I'm aware that meant I just took a dump,
But it does tie in to recent events!

Just returned the last thing.
Now I can close the book entirely.
Have fun and enjoy the single life.
So what if the guy who keeps asking me out seems pervy?
Let's enjoy some innocent flirting
BECAUSE it doesn't mean I HAVE TO sleep with him,
RIGHT?

RIGHT.
We're at a mall, he can't rape me.
Never invite yourself to his home,
And decline from having him come up your place.

I made do without sex for almost a year before Jon
And I can DAMN WELL do it for another.

Focus on doing EXCELLENT at work!
And maybe start being bullimic LOL.

Thanks blog.
I don't what I would do without you.
Thank god you can't speak back to me
Else I would feel like you're obligated too.

Btw, totally learnt how to start a car today.
And I know how to change a tyre.
I AM TOTALLY SUPER WOMAN.

Hahaha.
Happy :)

Oh and I changed the blog skin.
I don't think I would change anything anymore for the rest of my life.
Do you think I should totally get my own domain though?
LIKE FOR WHAT?

Portfolio?
Then I have to blog properly there.
SO annoying. LOL.

  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

You work all day,
You go to gym, you spend time with your family.
And you spend time with your friends.

In your free time you read books,
And watch movies.

You are doing things,
But none of them fulfill you.

What motivates you to do anything then?
Is everything just obligatory?

Everyone should have a purpose..
How do you find yours?

This is how I see Jon.

I knew him as a person who was in love with love.
Someone who envisioned marriage with Rachel.
Someone passionate about videography and, well, feels.

He would show me videos of Casey Neistat
And cry with me over them.
He had feelings, he once loved.

Did I wreck him?
He's young, and he needs to grow.

But instead of pushing him to experience new girls,
He's now cold to all things.

And he won't listen to me.
He just cares about meeting new girls, and trying to get in bed with them.
"I just discovered a move that works 100% of the time
and NO I'm not telling you."

Jon, my dear.
The majority of the time, it wasn't you who bed the girl,
But the girl who bedded you.

If a girl was not in the place to sleep with you,
You can't "dupe" her into doing it.

You can't suddenly just make a move
And the girl would totally get into bed with you.

Half the time the girl was already in the state of sleeping with someone,
And you were (lucky you) in the right place at the right time.

What I wanted for you was to experience different type of people.
In a intricate and personal way.

I want you to discover a new way to show love and concern,
To discover that with love, things do not need to be fair,
Because until you discover that you love someone more than yourself,
You can't truly say you have ever loved.

But now I've made you into this.
Did I make you like this?
Is this a phase you're going through Jon?
Or did I awaken someone else in you?

Because you don't seem like the same person I went to Penang with.
The one who opened doors for me.

You are not a player, Jon.
So why are you being like this?
You are so much more than that.

You were made a gentleman.
You were the one who showed me
That love is more than just staying with you through the night,
It's the morning after.

I miss that Jon.

I absolutely detest you now.

- Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©


video

  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©