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Archive for 12/14

I've just finished watching
The Fault in Our Stars.

At the end of the movie,
I had no more tears left to spare.
When the movie ended,
The emotions lingers on.
It affects me and it hovers.

That's why I hate watching non-comedies.

Watching movies like Black Swan or other comparable
Mind fucking shit fucks me up.
It rattles me emotionally and I can't function normal for the rest of the day.

I love my tv shows.
I can watch them again and again.
Friends, TBBT, The Nanny, to give you an idea.

I have been watching these shows for as far as I could remember.
Friends I can even recite certain dialogues.
Each time I watch it I notice something different.

I can say I've watched the entire season of friends more than 8 times.
I also hate Rachel Green.

But every time I come home, I turn on my laptop.
I watch friends.
Even when I have tons of movies downloaded,
Just waiting for me to watch them.

I don't have a point exactly.
I just have a theory that I deeply crave for family.
A big family.
A bunch of people I come home to.
It's all familiar and sometimes we don't talk to each other.
Because some of us are Rachel Greens.

But we still love them.
We know that that are ties that can never be broken.
And we know that even when things turn to shit;
Shouting, throwing things, physical abuse even.
We know that this too will blow over and we'll always be together.

I like attachment.
So when I hear Friends in the background,
Perhaps I find sanctuary in their voices, even their excessive laughing tracks,
To feel like I am not alone.

I've never lived with a family per se.
I don't know what it's like to hear dad making mom laugh.
Or had dad pulling dad jokes.
Or had my brother laughing at me while he puts a bandage on my knee.

To have a family.

That's why I expect so much from a friend.
Because I depend on them to make me feel home.
To feel like I am part of something.
To feel like whatever I do matters.

I have so much love to give.
I've never wanted anything else more than this.

I know I'm impatient,
But God, if you're up there...
Will you give me the love of a family?

Like I said, it's just a theory.
Maybe I'll be happy then.

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I've been thinking for a very long time about you.
That's because I don't know what position to assign you in my life.

When you told me you wanted to be with me officially,
I was both scared and happy at the same time.

Because we are so different.
As much as you hate to hear it,
We are different.
You may think that one year can hardly bear any differences,
But it's not the age.
We have different lifestyles, mindset, even class.

We handle conflicts differently.
I can handle yelling,
But not indifference, or silence.
If you must be silent,
Please tell me you need some time alone.
I am matured enough to understand it.

I don't need to be number one in your life.
Fair enough because you are not mine.
But I would like to think I have some superiority over your friends
If not, why don't I just be your friend, right?

Then again, that doesn't mean I can't understand.
But if you made plans with me and then blow me off,
At least be sorry about it; don't take me for granted.

I have responsibilities.
I have my own family, my extended family,
Kelsey's family, friends, acquaintances,
Errands, events, projects and some much needed rest.

But I blocked off one of my rest days for you.
You may fail to see or even belittle the sacrifice I just made,
In fact if I had any self control at all I shouldn't have given you
As much time as I have so far.

But even before your friend had made any plans with you,
You already mentioned you wanted to spend some time with your family.
I figured it was important enough, to only spend half the day with me,
I rarely get a weekend day off.

Then you go and make other plans,
And went that one didn't fall through you had another plan.
All the while not mentioning anything to me.

When I messaged you you have the audacity to say
"What's up doll?"
Like nothing happened.
Like it didn't matter if we haven't chatted the whole day,
And that it was okay.

That made me feel so small,
That all the insecurities that kept me from being together with you

I contemplated breaking it off.

Because on top of everything,
The last thing I wanted to do was pine over you.
What's worse is you're out there having fun,
This might not even be affecting you at all.
That thought scared me.
I hate knowing you have the power to ruin my day
Without you being in it at all.

But you've come to be so important to me.
I wanted to be the one to see the best in you when you couldn't.
I wanted to make you believe in yourself.
I wanted to be the one to drive you, motivate you,
Even when I don't agree with how you depended on someone else
To be your fuel.

Because I love you.

But I can't say all these words to you.
Because you won't see it my way.
You take everything as an attack.
When I just want to convey how I feel.

I haven't been the best,
But I am far from worst.

If you appreciate me,
Then please, don't waste me.

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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©