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Archive for 06/14

I'm surprised anyone still reads my blog.

It was never anyone's personality.
I just prefer someone who shows equal enthusiasm.
I don't like to be a one man show.

People might not meet my expectations.
I know about that.
If I said I prefer to stay loyal to those who do,
Would you hold it against me?

I don't need any of you to behave any special way towards me.
But if we really cared about each other,
Then some things shouldn't need to be said at all.

How can you call me dear
When you don't really know what has been going on with me
Since the last time we met?

How can we be dear to each other
If we can forget birthdays?

How can we be good friends when you either didn't realise
I haven't been replying any whatsapp messages,
or you didn't really care that I didn't?

I'm not saying we aren't friends,
I'm saying we're not really good friends.

I see that now.
I used to hold you guys so close to my heart
That I resent many things, but really, I just tepuk tangan sebelah.
You should remember the car ride where we had this conversation.
That we aren't actually as close as what I disillusioned us to be.

The signs were there. Li-Anne's birthday letter.
Jordan knows about it. Yippie could probably guess it.
I didn't tell you because I was worried about what you would say.
It said that if nothing were to ever change, I would change.

I plan birthdays for all of you because I wanted to.
But I don't want it if I'm the only one that remembers,
The only one that anticipates.

Planning a day before a birthday is unfortunately,
Not acceptable for me.

I will not lower my standards for good friends.
But I won't hold it against any of you.

This is purely a voluntary thing.
You can't force it.
I can't make you love me more.

And with this you will all probably love me less.
But let's have no expectations.

So, with all that being said,
Perhaps I should put it forward.
Now that you have mentioned that we shouldn't have to meet each other's
Expectations and that it would be better off that way..

I won't be planning anything.
You don't have to plan my birthday for me.
I won't be planning any normal outings.

I will just treat you like how I treat everyone else.
If you don't talk to me, I probably wouldn't talk to you.
I actually am that way with other people.
Please do not think of me as being cold.
I am simply indifferent.

I'm sorry to say this, but this excludes Yip.

P.S: I am not saying I do not have flaws.
We just have different orders of priorities.

You all have always laughed when I say I am shy,
But I am. I am an introvert.
I am awkward at meeting new people.
I hate having to present myself and hoping they will like me,
because I am scared that they wouldn't.

That's why I value the company I keep a lot.
Those I appreciate you can tell I'm close to homo.
You can probably tell from Kels.
Every investment must have it's return.

This is the best way I can explain.
I hope we will be close again in the future,
But what we had will always be in my heart,
And will all always live on in my childhood.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I remember the horrific truth that dawned upon me at the end of SPM.
Besides that fact that I did horribly and that I didn't care,
But to realise, from here on out,
Everyone's path will be completely different.

I always assumed we would all be on the same equal footing,
And I took comfort in knowing that I can do better than most people
If I tried, but if I couldn't be number one then why bother.

But it will always be different.
Some people take one step at a time,
Some go full charge ahead, some stagnant.
Not everybody climbs the ladder.
Some people don't get a ladder.
Some people don't even think of the ladder.

And suddenly I am trying to find equal footing amongst
All my peers and trying to see if I am getting last.
If I tried harder I WOULD be better than these people.
Because now it's not about being number last in class.
It's about being last in life.

And that reality scared me because I never tried anything.
I didn't have the will, I wasn't brought up with Obama
(Yes we can as opposed to CANNOT LAH).

So yeah this is what I learnt.
A little bit slow but at least I have ocme to understand it.
And grasp the seriousness of this.
It's not about being cool and not trying at anything.
Used to think it was cool to look like I don't give a fuck about anything.
I tried so hard to look like idgaf.

I have always have lust in my surroundings.
From me and from others.
I always get so scared of confusing love and lust.

Funny thing is now I found love instead of lust.
What do I make of that now?
As in loving a person, but the thought of sleeping with them is UGH

Is that like weird or what?
But I love them more like a boyfriend than a friend.
But picturing sleeping with them is like what.
0 sexual attraction.


Wtf I didn't even know this existed
  - - Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©