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Archive for 05/14

I lost my wallet.
But it was most probably stolen.
At work.

The wallet was given to me by my sister.
I feel so bad for losing it.
Because I was supposed to take care of it.

But of all days to leave it in the office,
I chose that ONE day where the fortnightly cleaner would come.

I had my IC, car license, ATM and random loyalty cards.
But what I missed most was the picture.

I don't hang out with them anymore.
Nor do I want to.
But I don't regret the memories.

Perhaps I single handedly destroyed our friendship.
But things will never be the same.
It has been proven twice this year.

That my anticipation was never a reflection of any of you,
But merely a shadow sometimes too faint to see.

I miss them, and this is how I feel like
I will always have them around.

Now it's gone.
Perhaps it's time to move on.

So many people around me.

But I still feel alone.

Is there anyone who loves my company
As much as I love theirs,
But with no motives whatsoever
Besides just plain enjoying the company of the other?

It's been so long since I felt like
I was missed, I was needed.

To be able to feel that someone actually
Took some time out just to spend time with me.

Because they care.
Not because they want me.

Someone sincere.

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All I knew was mom wasn't invited.
I didn't know why.
I didn't bother to ask.
To be honest I wasn't even sure if it really was happening.

Why was it happening?
Everything felt so rushed.
But in the end, so many people were there,
But my parents weren't.

Sometimes it makes me wonder
How can two sisters so so different?
How can something like a ROM
Have not even one parent present?

It's one thing if they don't want to come,
Another if they weren't invited.

What made me more sad and angry was that
My mom didn't care.
She said she forgot.
How could she?
Even when she neglected her when she was young.

Jie was the one that lacked motherly love.
How could she show nonchalance
All she cared about was whether my father was invited.

It only makes me scared that for my ROM
If they would be around.

Who doesn't want to be surrounded by family
Who are all happy for you?

What's left if not this?

Maybe I seem like I put such importance
To little things such as these.

But a small voice in my head said at least,
I have aunt Ju and uncle Dan with me,
Who is always there for me,
Always so sincerely happy to see me.

I wish my family weren't so broken.
  - -

Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

It's been sometime since I last updated you with anything.

Last semester was the shit.
I overestimated myself and did poorly and a couple of subjects.
And I seriously think I may fail at one.
If that's the case,
I may have delayed my graduation
Even though I will be undergoing internship come Monday.

I decided to apply for small companies.
The Muse was actually a band before it decided to make it
A Business. I am going in to redefine their website
As well as do kehlehfeh work on their events
But since it's music related that would be fun!

I'm hoping I would fit in well there and I will learn a lot,
And enjoy my time.
Of course I don't know anything yet by just an interview;
Just like how I don't present my flaws,
They won't tell me how HORRID the working hours might be.
But no matter how horrid it would only last for three months,
So I chilling lah. Ha.

Just came back from Melacca with a bunch of friends.
I am not allowing myself to be severely attached because
Somehow it doesn't feel permanent.
Not to say we won't be friends, but as if they won't be around
For too long.
One of them may shift to UK or East Malaysia,
One may err have feelings for me and I don't wanna lead him on,
The last one I don't really think so lah.

I think the only person I truly am close to is Darren,
Others are just pals I guess, since we don't see each other as often.
It's just something about the ease of knowing that the other has no other motives.

But still, it doesn't feel like what something I once used to have
With the old gang because I know for a fact they will always be around.
Maybe I'm just really possessive about my friends
And that could be really unhealthy.

I am putting myself out there more.
Getting to know more people and putting myself in
Situations I would usually avoid.
I'm so scared, and so tired, actually.

I just want to find somewhere I want to belong.
But lately I'm more picky.
I don't allow myself to be with negative people.
Or people who bring out the negative in me.

I decided to work with dad after internship.
I figured we study so hard because we want to make money.

What I study would definitely not make me a lot of money
Unless I own my own company,
And I don't love web design THAT much.
I think I'm someone who chases after money.
And I'm not even sorry for saying that, lol.

So working with dad is a good start.
I don't really care about sales,
I'm not that great but managing shit,
That's my kind of thing.
There is always a system I follow,
Nobody else is interfering with my shit,
And sure, it's pretty much like being a clerk,
But along the way I get to familiarise myself with watches
In my own pace, an getting good pay for it.

Th weird thing though is both my siblings seems to not welcome me.
I am not sure why.
Both of them are better at sales than I am.
I am not even coming in to DO sales.
So what's the big idea?
He's my dad TOO, why can't I work here?

Sure there is the excuse that I should go out and work to gain
Some experience. I know it's different.
But the more I talk to my sibling about it,
The more ridiculous she sounds.
For me, to work outside is to challenge myself to experience
Working without the privilege of being the boss' daughter.
In no way will that help me meet CEOs,
Or come up with business strategies,
Analyse finance,
Or organize a fancy event by myself.

The more I talk to her the more I feel like she's just pulling
Something so I won't join in the company.
I know this is egoistical of me,
But the more she pushes me away,
The more I'll push my way in.

Kelsey came down for a week for Vicky jie's wedding.
Oh, did I tell you I was singing?
Ed was there too.
I don't like to be calculative,
But I went through the trouble of staying with her for the entire week,
And took days off to spend with her.
But most of the time I just spent around waiting.

Kind of reminds me of a small fight we used to have.
I don't wanna go into details, but long story short,
I don't feel that good about it.

She knows she's been neglecting me but she hasn't really
Done anything to make it up to me either.
And I know it sounds selfish because she is hardly here
And she wants to spend some time with the family,
But I've been here since Saturday,
And I have been working up to Thursday.
She had that many days to spend with her family,
And all I wanted was not even just one day,
But one dinner.
I don't wanna kick up a fuss, because she already has
Enough on her plate with Ed.

So I guess I shouldn't feel entitled to any feelings.
I just miss my best friend.
I just wanted her time.

I guess it's not really nice to say that I am unhappy.
More like sad.

Then a part of me says that no one should ever make me feel this way,
Because it's a threat to myself.
I should never let someone else make me feel this way,
But in order for that to happen,
I need to lessen my affections for her.
And that's just stupid.

So I am so confused as to what I should be feeling.
Either way I am just trying to be understanding,
But sometimes I just like to sulk and say
Why isn't anyone trying to do that with me?

My car has a dent in front.
It broke my heart.

I think I am getting very self-entitled.

I also seem to think I sing much better than
Those girls I see on Facebook.
And now I'm scared I've deluded myself.

I'm thinking about moving out.

I'm trying to save up for a house.
According to an article I read online
(Not very reliable, I know)
But it says that I need to pay at least RM 55k upfront
To afford a RM400k house.

That would take me a good 3~4 years to save
Including allowed expenses.
That's provided that my pay stayed the same throughout 3~4 years
Which is highly unlikely because the bonuses are awesome.

I may not have a 10k income like how my mom or my sister
Said I could have if I work out there.
But how long would that take?
I have enough money to support myself and my mother.
That's good enough for me.
I want to stay close to my dad as well,
And help with the family business where he so wanted me to.
If comes the time he doesn't want me to,
I have a fallback plan.
Either was I see it, my plan is pretty solid.
Plus I'm not ignoring my own interest as well.
I can still do web design on the side.
Dad allowed it, though I think he didn't really think I would.
But it's an option.

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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©