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Archive for 03/14

Dad said he would come, months ago.

This week he said no.
He said he would be busy working.

I kinda hoped that he would be present for at least one milestone
Of my 23 years of life.

I said it's okay. I smiled.
But I wonder if he saw the silent plea in my eyes?

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This could be midnight talking,
But I realised that I've finally value myself
Over the company I keep based on quality,
Not quantity.

I've allowed myself the courage to let go of friends
That does not help me grow.
I used to try so hard to fit in,
To be accepted, but I realised that's not right.

I can adapt, but I should not conform,
If that makes sense.
I should be able to adapt,
But not let environment change my principles.

Or something like that.

Perhaps I can't say I have a lot of friends,
But the friends I do keep now are sincere, worthwhile.

I learnt not to be swayed by words or by temporary kindness
Hidden behind a motive.

It takes me longer to access a person,
But I've now learnt to guard myself from them too.
Not let myself be used and then feeling bad about it.

It should be quality, not quantity.
And my self value should not be measured by how many friends
I have.

I invest too much into friendships.
I really do.

So, you say we should make as many friends?
Sorry I think you have to earn the right to be my friend.

My friendship is exclusive.

And that is why I will not do well in sales LOL.
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So much fear..
The uncertainty, the insecurity, the unknown.

I am socially stupid.
I don't know how to tell sincerity from a motive.
But I am willing to learn.

Sure I will hurt myself along the way.
But at least I emerge from it wiser.
It's definitely is better than pushing everyone away.

You taught me how to push people away.
It doesn't matter how long you know a person.
They can hurt you, sometimes even more than people you've just met.
Because they meant much more, because the trust was deep.

I pushed everyone away.
Embarrassed from the loss of my dignity,
From having found out my friends were right.
From falling for an ass like you.

But that's over now.
Like Nigel said,
Let's start fresh.
A clean slate.

From now on I will behave like someone
I would love to meet.
To be friends with.
It would not be easy,
I may look like a fool,
A phony, a suck-up, a fake.
But anything is better than being lonely.

So I'm scared to reach out,
But I'm even more scared to be alone.

Don't leave me alone.
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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I would be so glad when tomorrow is over.
I know I will finish my work.
But I know it will be half-assed work and I won't be able to take
Any rest in between.

So why am I writing here?
Because referencing sucks.
How I wish I could just reference my brain.

The most logical and common sense thing also must find
Journal or book to prove.
Can't I just say I'm smart?

Dammit I'd be frying burgers after my college won't I??

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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I read somewhere with no credible source of course
That maybe one gets hit on sexually so much is because
One has nothing else to offer.

While it's not concrete science
It kinda makes sense.
And that scares me to no end.

I do not want to be that girl.
I don't know if I am.
But If I were to calculate my USPs,
I'd say I don't have much.

So I need to change.
I need to be known for something.
Through my music, through my design, through my friendship.

I'm more than that.
Or at least I am trying to be.

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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I miss having someone stroking my face.
I like to press my face against it.
Like a cat I'd like to presume.

I miss having someone to cuddle.
And I love that I have a default person to bring out every time.
I miss not having to drive.

But most of all I miss saying good night
After a long night talking about nothing and yet everything.

I miss playing the guitar for my loved one.
To write a song and sing it no matter how corny.
I miss having someone to encourage me in things I'm scared to do.
I miss making future plans, where we'll live and how many kids.

It didn't matter that it may not happen,
It mattered that you wanted these things.

if you would just come along soon enough,
That would be great.

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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

1. A normal neckline looks lowcut.
2. Any and every angle of selfie will have an unintentional cleavage shot.
3. Any movement will be exaggerated.
4. Can't do sports without being self-conscious.
5. Wearing a bikini is just too attention grabbing.
6. Anything I wear looks sensual and inappropriate.
7. Having to pretend your friend didn't just look at them.
8. All fitted bras are ugly.
9. Clothes are tight around the chest and loose around the waist.
10. Seeing friends blush awkwardly when accidentally grazing boobs.
11. Idiots gawking.
12. Girls wants to grab them. And does.
13. The sore boobs during PMS hurts like wtf.
14. Sleeping on the side means leaving space for boobs or boob will be over arm.
15. Attracts assholes.
16. Button-up tops always leaves a gaping hole in the chest area.

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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©