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I've just finished watching
The Fault in Our Stars.

At the end of the movie,
I had no more tears left to spare.
When the movie ended,
The emotions lingers on.
It affects me and it hovers.

That's why I hate watching non-comedies.

Watching movies like Black Swan or other comparable
Mind fucking shit fucks me up.
It rattles me emotionally and I can't function normal for the rest of the day.

I love my tv shows.
I can watch them again and again.
Friends, TBBT, The Nanny, to give you an idea.

I have been watching these shows for as far as I could remember.
Friends I can even recite certain dialogues.
Each time I watch it I notice something different.

I can say I've watched the entire season of friends more than 8 times.
I also hate Rachel Green.

But every time I come home, I turn on my laptop.
I watch friends.
Even when I have tons of movies downloaded,
Just waiting for me to watch them.

I don't have a point exactly.
I just have a theory that I deeply crave for family.
A big family.
A bunch of people I come home to.
It's all familiar and sometimes we don't talk to each other.
Because some of us are Rachel Greens.

But we still love them.
We know that that are ties that can never be broken.
And we know that even when things turn to shit;
Shouting, throwing things, physical abuse even.
We know that this too will blow over and we'll always be together.

I like attachment.
So when I hear Friends in the background,
Perhaps I find sanctuary in their voices, even their excessive laughing tracks,
To feel like I am not alone.

I've never lived with a family per se.
I don't know what it's like to hear dad making mom laugh.
Or had dad pulling dad jokes.
Or had my brother laughing at me while he puts a bandage on my knee.

To have a family.

That's why I expect so much from a friend.
Because I depend on them to make me feel home.
To feel like I am part of something.
To feel like whatever I do matters.

I have so much love to give.
I've never wanted anything else more than this.

I know I'm impatient,
But God, if you're up there...
Will you give me the love of a family?

Like I said, it's just a theory.
Maybe I'll be happy then.

  - -
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I've been thinking for a very long time about you.
That's because I don't know what position to assign you in my life.

When you told me you wanted to be with me officially,
I was both scared and happy at the same time.

Because we are so different.
As much as you hate to hear it,
We are different.
You may think that one year can hardly bear any differences,
But it's not the age.
We have different lifestyles, mindset, even class.

We handle conflicts differently.
I can handle yelling,
But not indifference, or silence.
If you must be silent,
Please tell me you need some time alone.
I am matured enough to understand it.

I don't need to be number one in your life.
Fair enough because you are not mine.
But I would like to think I have some superiority over your friends
If not, why don't I just be your friend, right?

Then again, that doesn't mean I can't understand.
But if you made plans with me and then blow me off,
At least be sorry about it; don't take me for granted.

I have responsibilities.
I have my own family, my extended family,
Kelsey's family, friends, acquaintances,
Errands, events, projects and some much needed rest.

But I blocked off one of my rest days for you.
You may fail to see or even belittle the sacrifice I just made,
In fact if I had any self control at all I shouldn't have given you
As much time as I have so far.

But even before your friend had made any plans with you,
You already mentioned you wanted to spend some time with your family.
I figured it was important enough, to only spend half the day with me,
I rarely get a weekend day off.

Then you go and make other plans,
And went that one didn't fall through you had another plan.
All the while not mentioning anything to me.

When I messaged you you have the audacity to say
"What's up doll?"
Like nothing happened.
Like it didn't matter if we haven't chatted the whole day,
And that it was okay.

That made me feel so small,
That all the insecurities that kept me from being together with you

I contemplated breaking it off.

Because on top of everything,
The last thing I wanted to do was pine over you.
What's worse is you're out there having fun,
This might not even be affecting you at all.
That thought scared me.
I hate knowing you have the power to ruin my day
Without you being in it at all.

But you've come to be so important to me.
I wanted to be the one to see the best in you when you couldn't.
I wanted to make you believe in yourself.
I wanted to be the one to drive you, motivate you,
Even when I don't agree with how you depended on someone else
To be your fuel.

Because I love you.

But I can't say all these words to you.
Because you won't see it my way.
You take everything as an attack.
When I just want to convey how I feel.

I haven't been the best,
But I am far from worst.

If you appreciate me,
Then please, don't waste me.

  - -
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It's late in the evening,
Okay well early in the morning to be precise.

This is the first time I used this lappie to blog!
This expensive piece of machine was a birthday present from
Very many people.

RM500 from both my sister and Karen.
I sold my laptop for RM 800 to Aunty Pat.
My father gave a generous donation of RM 1800,
And an extra RM 200 from myself.


Also, what the fuck.
I don't know how I'm supposed to respond,
I am not really sure if it's happening but
My dad just bought me a place in Klang.

My OWN place.
It's a condo.
So up to date I have a car, condo, I can afford a credit card.

Ahaha, okay so there are still other things in shambles,
But think about it.
I am not so constrained anymore.




Okay, so as you know,
If I'm typing here that means my cycle is about to start
(how charming I'm sure)
Which is also a cue for
The which guy is giving me crap again episode.

So I'm dating this guy and everything is okay so far.
But I'm getting so attached.
I don't waaaaaaaaant to be that way.
Not because I don't love him,
It's just a security thing, a pre-caution you can say.

And lately I've been so attached that I miss him a lot on days I
Don't get to see him.
It also does not help that he always seems to be adding
Random girls on facebook.
It could be for work but FUCK ALL I have no second doubts
To give at this moment.
Will probably regret saying this in about 7 hours
When I wake up and feel all better but

Why would you give me a reason to worry

I know I'm definitely a flight risk,
And as I'm weighing the options
Even if I have to cut myself
I may just let go.

I don't know.
Kelsey is telling me to hold on.
My lust is asking me to hold on,
My emotions are telling me to hold on,
But my conscience is giving me the dirtiest look...

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I'm not even sure what to think now.
So I am just another occupant in this house
That you can just come in and leave as you please.

Then make plans without intentions of including me.

Don't you think it's too much?
What am I now?

Am I supposed to assume this is normal?
Like I won't notice that we don't spend any time at all?
And that little time is just to redeem yourself?

Don't do me a favour.
Do yourself a favour.
You know what you are doing.
You know what are the consequences.

Your holiday is almost over
And the dream is gonna shatter when reality hits.

I won't be home when you need me.
I'm not gonna be there if you only notice my presence
When you need my help.

I was never a saint.

My love always did come with a price.
In the end, it's not my loss, even if it hurts.

- -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Sorry but I can't accept it.
To my jealous eyes it's disgusting.
It requires so much energy to pretend it's okay.
Don't come back to me when it's over.

I'm not home.
  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Back here again.
Living in a house full of people but still alone somehow.
Maybe it's not people around me but myself.
Maybe I have some alien need for attention and love.
That nothing but full attention fits the bill.

Or maybe I just feel under appreciated.
I'd like to know what I have done is something
That they may be grateful for.
Something that makes them think
"Wow she did so much, damn nice la."
Then proceeds to bring me out for dinner
In gratitude once in a while.
I don't want to be repaid,
Just have my love returned.
Not because you owe me,
But because you love me, too
As much as I do.

Now this is probably PMS talking,
But as I am sitting here cleaning this house,
Thinking what a god damn awesome wife I would make
Which is a surprise to me when really lol
I was never the "wife".
I was the "maid", a sub character,
Never the main.

Wow what crap is that.
LOL I can talk rubbish when I don't think and type lol.

Gonna start work soon,
And The Muse pays me to work from home.
It's not much but it's still something.

Living by myself have been great,
I have to parent myself,
And realise how unhealthy I am.
I have yet to start exercising,
But at least I know I can take care of myself.
The only problem is whether I want to get off my butt to do so.

I hate fleeting and feeble friendships.
I don't like knowing I can be replaced just like that.
I don't like seasonal friends.

Kels, you've really spoiled me.
I'm not replacing you but somehow I am finding for a relationship
Such as yours.
Something time and distance cannot corrode.

All my endeavours so far has been met with utter disappointment.
Never again will I so lightly say I found another kelsey.
Ian blasted that to bits.

Everything is superficial until situation proves otherwise.
That should be my motto now.

Because more often than not,
Things are too good to be true.

Including you.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I'm surprised anyone still reads my blog.

It was never anyone's personality.
I just prefer someone who shows equal enthusiasm.
I don't like to be a one man show.

People might not meet my expectations.
I know about that.
If I said I prefer to stay loyal to those who do,
Would you hold it against me?

I don't need any of you to behave any special way towards me.
But if we really cared about each other,
Then some things shouldn't need to be said at all.

How can you call me dear
When you don't really know what has been going on with me
Since the last time we met?

How can we be dear to each other
If we can forget birthdays?

How can we be good friends when you either didn't realise
I haven't been replying any whatsapp messages,
or you didn't really care that I didn't?

I'm not saying we aren't friends,
I'm saying we're not really good friends.

I see that now.
I used to hold you guys so close to my heart
That I resent many things, but really, I just tepuk tangan sebelah.
You should remember the car ride where we had this conversation.
That we aren't actually as close as what I disillusioned us to be.

The signs were there. Li-Anne's birthday letter.
Jordan knows about it. Yippie could probably guess it.
I didn't tell you because I was worried about what you would say.
It said that if nothing were to ever change, I would change.

I plan birthdays for all of you because I wanted to.
But I don't want it if I'm the only one that remembers,
The only one that anticipates.

Planning a day before a birthday is unfortunately,
Not acceptable for me.

I will not lower my standards for good friends.
But I won't hold it against any of you.

This is purely a voluntary thing.
You can't force it.
I can't make you love me more.

And with this you will all probably love me less.
But let's have no expectations.

So, with all that being said,
Perhaps I should put it forward.
Now that you have mentioned that we shouldn't have to meet each other's
Expectations and that it would be better off that way..

I won't be planning anything.
You don't have to plan my birthday for me.
I won't be planning any normal outings.

I will just treat you like how I treat everyone else.
If you don't talk to me, I probably wouldn't talk to you.
I actually am that way with other people.
Please do not think of me as being cold.
I am simply indifferent.

I'm sorry to say this, but this excludes Yip.

P.S: I am not saying I do not have flaws.
We just have different orders of priorities.

You all have always laughed when I say I am shy,
But I am. I am an introvert.
I am awkward at meeting new people.
I hate having to present myself and hoping they will like me,
because I am scared that they wouldn't.

That's why I value the company I keep a lot.
Those I appreciate you can tell I'm close to homo.
You can probably tell from Kels.
Every investment must have it's return.

This is the best way I can explain.
I hope we will be close again in the future,
But what we had will always be in my heart,
And will all always live on in my childhood.

  - -
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I remember the horrific truth that dawned upon me at the end of SPM.
Besides that fact that I did horribly and that I didn't care,
But to realise, from here on out,
Everyone's path will be completely different.

I always assumed we would all be on the same equal footing,
And I took comfort in knowing that I can do better than most people
If I tried, but if I couldn't be number one then why bother.

But it will always be different.
Some people take one step at a time,
Some go full charge ahead, some stagnant.
Not everybody climbs the ladder.
Some people don't get a ladder.
Some people don't even think of the ladder.

And suddenly I am trying to find equal footing amongst
All my peers and trying to see if I am getting last.
If I tried harder I WOULD be better than these people.
Because now it's not about being number last in class.
It's about being last in life.

And that reality scared me because I never tried anything.
I didn't have the will, I wasn't brought up with Obama
(Yes we can as opposed to CANNOT LAH).

So yeah this is what I learnt.
A little bit slow but at least I have ocme to understand it.
And grasp the seriousness of this.
It's not about being cool and not trying at anything.
Used to think it was cool to look like I don't give a fuck about anything.
I tried so hard to look like idgaf.

I have always have lust in my surroundings.
From me and from others.
I always get so scared of confusing love and lust.

Funny thing is now I found love instead of lust.
What do I make of that now?
As in loving a person, but the thought of sleeping with them is UGH

Is that like weird or what?
But I love them more like a boyfriend than a friend.
But picturing sleeping with them is like what.
0 sexual attraction.


Wtf I didn't even know this existed
  - - Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I lost my wallet.
But it was most probably stolen.
At work.

The wallet was given to me by my sister.
I feel so bad for losing it.
Because I was supposed to take care of it.

But of all days to leave it in the office,
I chose that ONE day where the fortnightly cleaner would come.

I had my IC, car license, ATM and random loyalty cards.
But what I missed most was the picture.

I don't hang out with them anymore.
Nor do I want to.
But I don't regret the memories.

Perhaps I single handedly destroyed our friendship.
But things will never be the same.
It has been proven twice this year.

That my anticipation was never a reflection of any of you,
But merely a shadow sometimes too faint to see.

I miss them, and this is how I feel like
I will always have them around.

Now it's gone.
Perhaps it's time to move on.

So many people around me.

But I still feel alone.

Is there anyone who loves my company
As much as I love theirs,
But with no motives whatsoever
Besides just plain enjoying the company of the other?

It's been so long since I felt like
I was missed, I was needed.

To be able to feel that someone actually
Took some time out just to spend time with me.

Because they care.
Not because they want me.

Someone sincere.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©


All I knew was mom wasn't invited.
I didn't know why.
I didn't bother to ask.
To be honest I wasn't even sure if it really was happening.

Why was it happening?
Everything felt so rushed.
But in the end, so many people were there,
But my parents weren't.

Sometimes it makes me wonder
How can two sisters so so different?
How can something like a ROM
Have not even one parent present?

It's one thing if they don't want to come,
Another if they weren't invited.

What made me more sad and angry was that
My mom didn't care.
She said she forgot.
How could she?
Even when she neglected her when she was young.

Jie was the one that lacked motherly love.
How could she show nonchalance
All she cared about was whether my father was invited.

It only makes me scared that for my ROM
If they would be around.

Who doesn't want to be surrounded by family
Who are all happy for you?

What's left if not this?

Maybe I seem like I put such importance
To little things such as these.

But a small voice in my head said at least,
I have aunt Ju and uncle Dan with me,
Who is always there for me,
Always so sincerely happy to see me.

I wish my family weren't so broken.
  - -

Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

It's been sometime since I last updated you with anything.

Last semester was the shit.
I overestimated myself and did poorly and a couple of subjects.
And I seriously think I may fail at one.
If that's the case,
I may have delayed my graduation
Even though I will be undergoing internship come Monday.

I decided to apply for small companies.
The Muse was actually a band before it decided to make it
A Business. I am going in to redefine their website
As well as do kehlehfeh work on their events
But since it's music related that would be fun!

I'm hoping I would fit in well there and I will learn a lot,
And enjoy my time.
Of course I don't know anything yet by just an interview;
Just like how I don't present my flaws,
They won't tell me how HORRID the working hours might be.
But no matter how horrid it would only last for three months,
So I chilling lah. Ha.

Just came back from Melacca with a bunch of friends.
I am not allowing myself to be severely attached because
Somehow it doesn't feel permanent.
Not to say we won't be friends, but as if they won't be around
For too long.
One of them may shift to UK or East Malaysia,
One may err have feelings for me and I don't wanna lead him on,
The last one I don't really think so lah.

I think the only person I truly am close to is Darren,
Others are just pals I guess, since we don't see each other as often.
It's just something about the ease of knowing that the other has no other motives.

But still, it doesn't feel like what something I once used to have
With the old gang because I know for a fact they will always be around.
Maybe I'm just really possessive about my friends
And that could be really unhealthy.

I am putting myself out there more.
Getting to know more people and putting myself in
Situations I would usually avoid.
I'm so scared, and so tired, actually.

I just want to find somewhere I want to belong.
But lately I'm more picky.
I don't allow myself to be with negative people.
Or people who bring out the negative in me.

I decided to work with dad after internship.
I figured we study so hard because we want to make money.

What I study would definitely not make me a lot of money
Unless I own my own company,
And I don't love web design THAT much.
I think I'm someone who chases after money.
And I'm not even sorry for saying that, lol.

So working with dad is a good start.
I don't really care about sales,
I'm not that great but managing shit,
That's my kind of thing.
There is always a system I follow,
Nobody else is interfering with my shit,
And sure, it's pretty much like being a clerk,
But along the way I get to familiarise myself with watches
In my own pace, an getting good pay for it.

Th weird thing though is both my siblings seems to not welcome me.
I am not sure why.
Both of them are better at sales than I am.
I am not even coming in to DO sales.
So what's the big idea?
He's my dad TOO, why can't I work here?

Sure there is the excuse that I should go out and work to gain
Some experience. I know it's different.
But the more I talk to my sibling about it,
The more ridiculous she sounds.
For me, to work outside is to challenge myself to experience
Working without the privilege of being the boss' daughter.
In no way will that help me meet CEOs,
Or come up with business strategies,
Analyse finance,
Or organize a fancy event by myself.

The more I talk to her the more I feel like she's just pulling
Something so I won't join in the company.
I know this is egoistical of me,
But the more she pushes me away,
The more I'll push my way in.

Kelsey came down for a week for Vicky jie's wedding.
Oh, did I tell you I was singing?
Ed was there too.
I don't like to be calculative,
But I went through the trouble of staying with her for the entire week,
And took days off to spend with her.
But most of the time I just spent around waiting.

Kind of reminds me of a small fight we used to have.
I don't wanna go into details, but long story short,
I don't feel that good about it.

She knows she's been neglecting me but she hasn't really
Done anything to make it up to me either.
And I know it sounds selfish because she is hardly here
And she wants to spend some time with the family,
But I've been here since Saturday,
And I have been working up to Thursday.
She had that many days to spend with her family,
And all I wanted was not even just one day,
But one dinner.
I don't wanna kick up a fuss, because she already has
Enough on her plate with Ed.

So I guess I shouldn't feel entitled to any feelings.
I just miss my best friend.
I just wanted her time.

I guess it's not really nice to say that I am unhappy.
More like sad.

Then a part of me says that no one should ever make me feel this way,
Because it's a threat to myself.
I should never let someone else make me feel this way,
But in order for that to happen,
I need to lessen my affections for her.
And that's just stupid.

So I am so confused as to what I should be feeling.
Either way I am just trying to be understanding,
But sometimes I just like to sulk and say
Why isn't anyone trying to do that with me?

My car has a dent in front.
It broke my heart.

I think I am getting very self-entitled.

I also seem to think I sing much better than
Those girls I see on Facebook.
And now I'm scared I've deluded myself.

I'm thinking about moving out.

I'm trying to save up for a house.
According to an article I read online
(Not very reliable, I know)
But it says that I need to pay at least RM 55k upfront
To afford a RM400k house.

That would take me a good 3~4 years to save
Including allowed expenses.
That's provided that my pay stayed the same throughout 3~4 years
Which is highly unlikely because the bonuses are awesome.

I may not have a 10k income like how my mom or my sister
Said I could have if I work out there.
But how long would that take?
I have enough money to support myself and my mother.
That's good enough for me.
I want to stay close to my dad as well,
And help with the family business where he so wanted me to.
If comes the time he doesn't want me to,
I have a fallback plan.
Either was I see it, my plan is pretty solid.
Plus I'm not ignoring my own interest as well.
I can still do web design on the side.
Dad allowed it, though I think he didn't really think I would.
But it's an option.

  - -

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Dad said he would come, months ago.

This week he said no.
He said he would be busy working.

I kinda hoped that he would be present for at least one milestone
Of my 23 years of life.

I said it's okay. I smiled.
But I wonder if he saw the silent plea in my eyes?

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

This could be midnight talking,
But I realised that I've finally value myself
Over the company I keep based on quality,
Not quantity.

I've allowed myself the courage to let go of friends
That does not help me grow.
I used to try so hard to fit in,
To be accepted, but I realised that's not right.

I can adapt, but I should not conform,
If that makes sense.
I should be able to adapt,
But not let environment change my principles.

Or something like that.

Perhaps I can't say I have a lot of friends,
But the friends I do keep now are sincere, worthwhile.

I learnt not to be swayed by words or by temporary kindness
Hidden behind a motive.

It takes me longer to access a person,
But I've now learnt to guard myself from them too.
Not let myself be used and then feeling bad about it.

It should be quality, not quantity.
And my self value should not be measured by how many friends
I have.

I invest too much into friendships.
I really do.

So, you say we should make as many friends?
Sorry I think you have to earn the right to be my friend.

My friendship is exclusive.

And that is why I will not do well in sales LOL.
  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

So much fear..
The uncertainty, the insecurity, the unknown.

I am socially stupid.
I don't know how to tell sincerity from a motive.
But I am willing to learn.

Sure I will hurt myself along the way.
But at least I emerge from it wiser.
It's definitely is better than pushing everyone away.

You taught me how to push people away.
It doesn't matter how long you know a person.
They can hurt you, sometimes even more than people you've just met.
Because they meant much more, because the trust was deep.

I pushed everyone away.
Embarrassed from the loss of my dignity,
From having found out my friends were right.
From falling for an ass like you.

But that's over now.
Like Nigel said,
Let's start fresh.
A clean slate.

From now on I will behave like someone
I would love to meet.
To be friends with.
It would not be easy,
I may look like a fool,
A phony, a suck-up, a fake.
But anything is better than being lonely.

So I'm scared to reach out,
But I'm even more scared to be alone.

Don't leave me alone.
  - -
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I would be so glad when tomorrow is over.
I know I will finish my work.
But I know it will be half-assed work and I won't be able to take
Any rest in between.

So why am I writing here?
Because referencing sucks.
How I wish I could just reference my brain.

The most logical and common sense thing also must find
Journal or book to prove.
Can't I just say I'm smart?

Dammit I'd be frying burgers after my college won't I??

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I read somewhere with no credible source of course
That maybe one gets hit on sexually so much is because
One has nothing else to offer.

While it's not concrete science
It kinda makes sense.
And that scares me to no end.

I do not want to be that girl.
I don't know if I am.
But If I were to calculate my USPs,
I'd say I don't have much.

So I need to change.
I need to be known for something.
Through my music, through my design, through my friendship.

I'm more than that.
Or at least I am trying to be.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I miss having someone stroking my face.
I like to press my face against it.
Like a cat I'd like to presume.

I miss having someone to cuddle.
And I love that I have a default person to bring out every time.
I miss not having to drive.

But most of all I miss saying good night
After a long night talking about nothing and yet everything.

I miss playing the guitar for my loved one.
To write a song and sing it no matter how corny.
I miss having someone to encourage me in things I'm scared to do.
I miss making future plans, where we'll live and how many kids.

It didn't matter that it may not happen,
It mattered that you wanted these things.

if you would just come along soon enough,
That would be great.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

1. A normal neckline looks lowcut.
2. Any and every angle of selfie will have an unintentional cleavage shot.
3. Any movement will be exaggerated.
4. Can't do sports without being self-conscious.
5. Wearing a bikini is just too attention grabbing.
6. Anything I wear looks sensual and inappropriate.
7. Having to pretend your friend didn't just look at them.
8. All fitted bras are ugly.
9. Clothes are tight around the chest and loose around the waist.
10. Seeing friends blush awkwardly when accidentally grazing boobs.
11. Idiots gawking.
12. Girls wants to grab them. And does.
13. The sore boobs during PMS hurts like wtf.
14. Sleeping on the side means leaving space for boobs or boob will be over arm.
15. Attracts assholes.
16. Button-up tops always leaves a gaping hole in the chest area.

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Sure there are things I would fix if I had the chance to.
But this is after the realisation that things will end the same.
Because I guess I would have got to spend more time with you.
All of you.

It's hard to erase a big part of my life completely.
It's like I'm trying to forget that I once had long hair.
But things don't change.
And as time goes by I realised that
You need friends that benefit you in some way.

I know, sounds horrible right?
Well think about it.
Good influence is a benefit right?

Sometimes it's all about perspectives.
Lately I have been living on the thought that
I should focus on myself more,
And make decisions based on my gratification,
Not solely because it's a noble and decent thing to do.
That hasn't helped me in anyway.
It's hard to shake off though.

Then again the other day someone said my approach is offensive.
Just because I said "Hi, are you lost?" to a lady that seemed confused.
She said, "Oh, no, no, no." smiled and left.

It's not unusual for me to ask
Because she would not be the first one to get confused in Jaya One.
It's structure really is hard to comprehend if you're here for the first time.

A friend of mine said I was socially inapt for asking that.
And I question why?
I was just being nice.
I guess it's how you gauge the world.

Like one time I tried giving candy canes to a kid during christmas in IPC
And the little tyke didn't take it until his mom said it's okay.
It's not rude of me to give the candy,
But the kid is aware of the potential danger that can arise from that.

My point is, it's great to be aware of dangers,
But give people the benefit of doubt sometimes.
Not everybody live by the same rules of social conduct,
And the key here is to understand that everyone can be and is different.

It will be a sad moment in life when everybody doubts everyone.
I still believe that not everyone out there is trying to get you,
That there are still nice people out there,
And that they are trying to make life better for everyone in their own way,
And we shouldn't stop being nice just because we do it differently.

Okay my point was should I have ignored the lady?
Okay maybe the obvious solution is to rephrase my question
But really I don't see how it could be offensive!
I asked her if she is lost I didn't ask her to get lost!

Back to assignments.
Missing you kels.
I'm afraid of working in Australia.
But I do not intend to live so far away from you
Throughout my adult life.

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No. No way. Nuh uh.

I don't care whether it's Penang or US.
As long as you are two hours away from me forget it.
I'm not being high and mighty but why make it harder?

Okay, what if we got together and he had to go away?
I think I can only do for like six months.
I mean, it's not even just not trusting you.
I wouldn't trust myself. LOL.

Don't be afraid to ask. Don't be afraid to get what you want.
Don't focus so much on being the most understanding person in the world.
Have some character.
I'm not saying be selfish, but accept that you shouldn't compromise
What your preferences are just to seem "noble".
At the end of the day you should be happy.
Your partner should be happy.
But have boundaries.
Protect yourself.
And compromise.

There is a compromise in everything.
But compromise for the right reasons.
Don't do it because you wanna be like in the movies.
Getting all romantic and shit.
Get real.

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While reading my past posts about a certain douchebag
I just wanted to kill myself.
Why am I so gullible?
Eating up anything that sounds great.

In love?
Oh God.
If only I knew how that story turn out to be.
I would kick myself so hard.
How could I ignore the signs?
Male kelsey.
Pffft what an insult to the gender and my BFF.

It feels like I need to find a new place to hide.
But like all things,
Eventually the hype will die down.
And this will be my sanctuary again sooner that I care to admit.

I know what it means.
I never deluded myself with you like I did with douchebag.
Never did once.
So I appreciate the honesty.
And the cover up.
But I know the truth.
Come July, you'll see.

I hate having to explain myself.
To defend myself.

That's why I prefer a machine.
Not because I can't handle emotions,
But because the host to these emotions
Have a set of values I do not meet.
And I do not care to meet them.
Does that prove me handicapped
Or just me having a different outlooks in life?

It's not that hard to accept.

We can't all be that same person.

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I have been having disturbing thoughts lately.
I won't say I'm a suicidal person,
But as I am monotonously doing shit
I just wonder what will I lose if I died today.

Nothing much really.
The world won't lose anything.
One extra parking space for you in the morning in fact.
My mom would have to make do with my bro and sis.
And kelsey and family would probably miss me.

I think about how easy it was to die when I cross the road.
Should I just step out while this car is coming?
I don't want to die per se.
If I'm really honest I'm just curious.
Or rather amazed at how fragile life is.
So easy to take away.
In so many situations.
Nobody would be there to stop me.

Then I came to a conclusion.
I LITERALLY rather DIE than do my assignments.

fucking lazy laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Sekian everyone.
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What if love was not based on sight?
If looks and body were out of the picture..
How much more would we feel about somebody?
Or would it be.. much less?

These are the kinds of thoughts that provoke me
While I was watching the movie Her.
Call me crazy but I may have read too much into the movie,
But I don't hate it.

There are so much underlying meanings that I don't get,
And I want to explore each and everything.

Her gives us an idea on how it would be like
If we had an AI program that talks to us.
Not only does it help us with tasks and pretty much
Anything a personal assistant does,
But this AI actually has feelings. Intuition.

Can we love a machine?
Can you get over the fact that it is actually a program?
But how it evolves is entirely individualistic.
No two OS1s would evolve to be the same,
Even if they started that way. Would that matter?

OS1 is tailored to be what you need.
To communicate with you the way you like it.
Isn't that pretty much like what we as humans are doing?
We are also looking for something we are comfortable with.

I know that physical touch is important.
Not just for the fun part, but body language plays a great deal.
A hug can make someone feel instantly better.
We all need some form of human touch.

But what if it was all stripped off,
Leaving only emotions behind?
What if we weren't limited by a physical state?
What are the possibilities then?

The movie numbs us into thinking hey it's not that weird.
Because the people then are so accepting.
It's kind of unsettling that people think it's okay to
Date a machine.

But now I have a confession.
I have someone who I manja to.
I knew him online.
And I don't do anything physical with him.
Entirely psychological.

I just talk to him and he, me.
So it kinda freaks me out that
This friendship is almost like Her.

The only difference is a body, really.
I'm freaking out right now,
Thinking that it's okay to date a machine.

But I know that it's not real.
I'm saying, it's a viable solution
To loneliness, temporarily.
A substitute if you will, until you are
Ready to have a serious relationship.

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Let's discuss a question:


It had been brought to my attention that
My father seems to be under the impression
That I am a very obedient girl,
I don't skip classes, I am very responsible,
I don't curse, and I am, in general, a good daughter.

Then someone found it amusing that I am associated
With these qualities and said if dad actually knew who
I really was he would flip.

Although I know for a fact that it was brought up
For the sake of conversation and humour,
I couldn't seem to shake off the feeling that
It was said to me with some ridicule.

I do not deny.
I am less than obedient while I was growing up.
I curse like no other when I am in anger IE driving.
I skip classes wayyyyy much more when I was younger than now.
And suffice to say although the thoughts are present
My actions hardly proves that I am an adequate daughter.

But as much as these are true,
These extremities are in the past.
And while they are still present but they are now at a smaller amount.

But that's besides the point.

I did not grow up with my father.
Everything I say and how I portray myself
Is based on respect for a provider.
They have been said with much thought to
What it means as a message and as an image of myself.
I would like to appear as a daughter that he could be proud of.
Perhaps to show him what he's been missing.
That we were worth keeping.

If I were to go out with my mom I would let her pay for me
And take it for granted, because she is my mom.
If it was my father I would have expressed my gratitude.
Simply because I did not want him to think that
I am mooching off money from him.
And I am not.
I am not taking anything he does for me for granted.
This is called manners but it was also highly based on the fact that
It was uneasy for me, the feeling of having someone else pay for me.
Very much like how Kelsey's parents pay for me.

They take me out for lunch and dinner a lot,
And it was so often that I was worried that they would be
Annoyed with every time I expressed my thanks.
So I stopped saying it. But despite my active conscience
Telling me not to annoy them with my thanks,
I couldn't help but to think that they would think I am
Taking them for granted when I'm not,
Even when we were so close.

In actual truth my dad and Kelsey's parents
Are very much on the same level.
I love them a lot and consider them family
But I will always have the fear that one day
I might offend them with what I do
And I will no longer be welcomed.

So when I am around them I behave.
I try to impress them with who I can be.
So that they would think good of me.

It's different with my mom.
I've been through so much shit with her and she stuck around.
She's a permanent part of my life.

Okay so I realised I am off the topic.

My point was, just because we are who we are,
It doesn't mean we are not allowed to put our best foot forward.
It's not because I am phony or that I am a huge sucker up.
The fact is we don't treat everyone equally.
And that's okay.
Because we extend different respects to different people.

It's called image control.
So I didn't lie about who I was.
Or pretended to be someone else.
I just.. well. Behaved.

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So just came back from Aussie.
Tix to and fro was RM1.6, I had about RM1.3k saved up for this trip
And my dad gave me another RM1k++ so in total I used about RM4k
Which I think was rather incredible because I stayed in Sydney for
Almost 3 weeks, bought a lot of clothes and food there is mad expensive.

The first week there was refreshing.
I ventured out alone for the first three days in Sydney because Kels
Was still in Hobart with her family.
So I went to Paddy's Market and went crazy.
Bought a AUS50 (RM150) sim card.
Obviously overpriced but close on eye lah.
If I convert everything I would not survive.
Second day I wanted to shop more at Oxfrod street
But unfortunately it was further than I originally thought
And when I reached I discovered they were all designer labels,
So I walked to another mall "nearby" and ended up at Bondi Junction.
It was probably the furthest any couch potatoes has ever walked to in one try.
AAAAAnnnyway, on the third day I went to Circular Quay and had
Pancakes on the Rocks like Immy suggested.

The rest of the week we kind of just went to the same places
That I went to but now with Kels and her family coz they are here!

Meeting Kels again after so long, well I expected
Tears and sobbing and long iron-clad hugs,
But no. nothing.
Because it felt like nothing changed. Like she never left.
Like we never cried for the last time by my car outside her house.
It felt so natural, like I just saw her yesterday.
Ever since that meeting with her,
I feel like nothing can ever change us.
I have nothing to be scared of, nothing to be worried about.
Because our friendship is so solid,
Forgive my mushiness,
But our love can stand the test of distance and time LOL

So when I left her in Sydney I teared, but I wasn't scared.
I felt assured. Because it was as if we were never apart.
I don't think many people have that.
Perks of being a pair of introverted friends!
I'd like to say we see each other everyday and hang out a lot
And chat everyday but we're just not that kind of friends.
But somehow we are still best of friends.

Anyway I digress.
The next week was a lot of playing Nintendo Wiis and shopping
And bringing them around like I am some local.
We went to the Taronga Zoo, saw fireworks,
Went to the National Park for some Bushwalking,
And even more bushwalking in Blue Mountains, Katoomba.
Had my first night in a Backpackers Hotel,
Christmas was awesome because we had REAL HAM, REAL CRACKERS
We went for a Burlesque show, went to Newton pubs,
Got hit on, had a lot of frozen yogurts and OMG BONDI.
I spent a solid hour going "weeeeee" as every wave rushed through me
With Kelsey watching me probably with her eyes rolling LOL
Because in that one hour, I was a kid.
I didn't care how I looked, I didn't care if people would judge me,
I just love water, I love the beach, and it felt like I had no worries.
And I just went for what I wanted. BIGGER WAVES.

And between those activities we just filled up talking about shit.
Things didn't change, even though we talk about different kinds of shit.
Like how it would be like to move to Aus to work for good,
Pushing ourselves out of our own comfort zone,
And just basically anything.
Sometimes we just debate about the "real" colors of the wall.
It doesn't have to matter.

So now I'm back in Malaysia.
Where in Sydney I had to go out everyday,
Now I'm crawling back to my den, snuggled in my blankets
And literally not doing shit.

It's a new year so here are resolutions for resolutions sake.

1.Push myself out of my comfort zone.
2. Stop feeling lethargic all the time.
3. Get a nintendo wii and lose weight fat bitch.
4. Try your best at what you love,
and don't let anyone make you feel like you're not gonna make it.
5. Prove to dad that you don't need his money to survive.
6. Do something about my songs.
7. Don't be afraid to be selfish.
8. Be affectionate to mom (ugh so awkward).
9. Save enough to go to Hobart.

And one teenie weenie last reminder to myself:
I don't need a lot of friends to be happy,
Choose quality not quantity.

Don't be afraid to admit your own self worth
but don't be a bitch either.

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