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Archive for 09/13

Hello there.
I am not sure how many of you are loyal readers.
Sometimes I forget I have any.
I mean, unless all of you rejoice in my misery,
Because all I ever post are sad stuff.
So don't mistaken, I have happy days too,
I was just out enjoying them.
Which on hindsight is kinda stupid because one day
I might look back at this blog and think what a sad depressing
Bitch I was around my 20s.
(I assume I would stop blogging soon enough.)

So.. I'll start now.
This year I learnt quite a lot.
And most of it was in the hard way but hey silver lining.
Appreciate what you have,
And let go of what doesn't appreciate you.
Next year hopefully I will learn how to differentiate between the two,

I have also learnt that BOY MY INTUITION IS RATHER ZHUN.
If next time I have a feeling someone likes me

I learnt that stupidity and courage runs in groups,
So I shall make less of friends in gangs and go one on one instead.
They say the darnedest things and boy are they fucking stupid.

I learnt that good friends though are easy to spot.
You don't have to wonder if they will be around,
Because they are around.
Those you can count on for the littlest things.
So happy to discover this.

I made good with my ex.
Not sure if he meant it but I'm sure it can only go uphill from here.

I'm getting a car this friday.
Fingers crossed.

Can't wait for holidays.
Bali and Aussie this year.
Bangkok next year maybe?
No thanks to going on trips with the retards.
I'll go with my family or my cousin thanks.

Graduating next year.
Working with dad and family.
Not sure if yay but hopeful yay.

How come I feel more and more depressed the more I write this?

I'm 67kg now. Pls fucking kill this manatee.

Oh wit must write happy stuff right?
Then I guess I ran out.

Fuck you guys.
You were the biggest disappointment of 2013.

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Today I went to my mother's room to look for a belt
And I saw that she rearranged her room.
Being the kepochi that I am I look around la.
Maybe got some of my stuff lying around that has been forgotten.

I saw the pictures of my brother and I displayed
On the transparent part of her little shelf and that made me smile.
Then I spotted a small photo frame that was facing down.
I took it up expecting to see more of our pictures,
When I saw it it struck sorrow to me.

It was foreign to me, that picture.
Back then when I don't remember anything.
Was it happy for her?
Could it have worked if only more patience and tolerance was around?

Those are years she can never part with and never forget,
Because it was her one and only.
To feel what I felt now for years,
And not ever again.

Now with only us to love I feel so guilty for all the time
She called and called and me ignoring her calls.
She loves us in her own way because
We are the most important thing in her life.
We were the only thing that stuck around,
No matter what happened we will always be together.
Always there.

When I saw that picture I cried.
I felt so sad for her,
For how we turned out.
Wanting a happy family but it didn't turn out the way she wanted it.
Again and again.
I'm so sorry mom.
I know we are broken, but as long as we are willing to try
No matter how much we shout at each other,
We know deep down we really do love each other,
We just don't know how to show it,
And didn't want to because it's strange to change.

Maybe he couldn't show you the love you deserve,
And now it's time I show you mine.
It's going to be hard because it's a 180 degree change.
I hope I can keep it up.

Because everything I understood about you changed mom,
Everything came crashing down
At the moment I saw your wedding picture framed
After all these years.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

You broke off with me in jest.
Spewed words without thinking.
I thought you were kidding, but you went on and on.
I got your message, and I accepted it, even though I did not like it.
I cried a little bit, but yet I felt relieved.

We had a good run, you and I.
We had our spark, our teasing, the first time we kissed.
But that all changed, as things do eventually.

When one can't keep the spark going,
things eventually mellow down to reality.
Where lust used to drive us, now remains compatibility.
We now have to learn to be with each other,
Not lusting for, but to be there for each other.
We have to be able to communicate, and well.
If not, then what's the point?

We have to compliment each other,
To make each other better.

While I am your support,
I had none.
You are not good with words, nor with actions.
You have the thought, but nothing falls through.
Despite your patience with me,
I was turning out worse.

I yelled, I condescended,
Of the high hopes of what I had of you from the start trickled into nothing;
I expected nothing of you, nothing from you.
To the extent where I pre-assumed that to go to you
For anything would be a waste of time.
Because after 2 years, when I am sad,
You can't make me happy.
When I need answers,
You can't provide me anything of use.
When I am excited,
You don't even know what it is I am excited about.

Slowly the relationship felt more and more like a gig.
A babysitting gig.
I often had to take care of what I say around you.
I can't make jokes without hurting you.
Provided that my jokes are nasty,
But that's the joke part.
It's really mean, that was the whole point.
Because I would never have say that.
"You know I can't eat pork!"
"Sheesh, malays!"
Nasty joke there, not a joke I would pull on someone
I am not close with.

You were someone who were easily contented.
I admire you for that.
You expect things to be the same from start to finish.
I'm sorry that the spark died,
But when it does we have to adapt.
I can't go on with the relationship fuelled
By the happiness we had in the past.
We are at the present.
We have to progress, think ahead.
If we were already talking about marriage,
Then I would like to see someone who can walk with me
If not, then at least to support me when I stumble.
I only felt like I had to carry you along the way,
And If I don't you would really not stand up for yourself,
And sink lower and lower on the ground.

I am stubborn, hot headed, opinionated,
Loud, have crude humour, and a sailor's mouth.
I am not slim and feminine, I don't give 2 fucks about my health,
I'm curious about everything, and always asking questions.
I am not sorry for who I am,
Only sorry that you were landed with me.
That you couldn't adapt to who I am
Beyond the spark, beyond the lust.

Despite that I could provide anything you needed,
I just stopped, knowing I'm not getting anything back.
I wanted you to try, hinted it. Said it. Yelled it. Cried it.
I told you we were on thin threads.

These were the words I said almost 10 months ago.
While I remember everything,
When some nights I wish you are right beside me,
I have now finally accepted that sometimes you can't force it.

I wish you could see that I don't blame you.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
Sometimes people are just too different.
I wish you all the best.

I am so jealous that you found someone right away,
And it can only be karma that I have landed with guys
That aren't right for me.
I learnt everything the hard way,
Where I only realize when it's too late and I am in too deep.

I'm not sure if you have heard but I haven't been myself lately.
And I miss having you as a friend.
I been out doing what I told you I wanted to do,
And I've come back now.

It wasn't as fun as I thought it was when I have you haunting me
In the back of my mind.
I don't know what I was trying to prove
When I went out with those guys.
Especially when I heard you getting together with her.

I hope someday I can find someone who wants to stay with me.
Maybe you'd be glad to know that those I want to stay leaves,
And those I didn't want stays.
That's life huh?

Good night, love.
I'm tired now.

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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©