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Archive for 05/13

Hello there.
Classes will be starting soon.

My results were terrible.
Like shit.
Two semesters straight.
I can't fool around anymore.

That's what I said last semester, paraphrased lol.

I need to get my shit together.
There is more to life than feeling loved.
It's a dull life but life does go on.

You messaged me recently.
Maybe you didn't think it was anything
But there has got to be a reason why.
So why? What is your intention?
Do you wanna be friends?
Or are you looking for a fuck?
I have more dignity than that.
You can call me petty but I don't appreciate how I was treated
After what we did.
Do you know how to treat a woman with respect ya bastard.

When you do, please teach me.

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So I was suddenly thinking about what HY posted some time ago
I read somewhere that the first mistake can be an accident, 
but the same mistake is by your own choice.
And like clockwork,
My PMS hurls me into this deep abyss of self-analysing
That never fails to bring me down. Yet again.

I can't blame it on vulnerability.
I can't blame it on his charm.
He has no charm.
I am not vulnerable.
I know what the fuck I am doing,
And I did it anyway.
The second time.
Despite every fibre in my body saying no,
(Well okay, just my heart and my mind, my body was very compliant)
I went on ahead and did what I did.

Am I ashamed?
I know I should be.
But I couldn't be bothered.
I am numb.
Like he said.
We are just friends, helping each other out.

I once blogged about how sad people live their lives,
Completely empty, trying to fill the void
But ending up emptier still.
They don't feel.

Perhaps now I realised,
It's not that they don't feel.
They are trying to stop feeling.
To have things in their head that gnaws,
Every chance of numbness or distraction
Is like a breath of fresh air.

Now I don't know what the hell I am doing.
All I know is that I am aware of what I am doing,
And choose to ignore the consequences.
And then suffer them.

Why though?
Why am I trying so hard to be this person?
Going out with random people
With no intention of keeping up,
Leading people on,
Drink, contemplating other various sources
Of entertainment.

Why this sudden?
Am I trying to suppress something?
Will this need last?
Will I begin to do everything in my power
To see that I will eventually hate myself?

Who am I trying to prove myself to?
Where do I intend to go from here?
Am I changing into a different kind of person?


I honestly think Kelsey is a vital component
For me to function correctly now.
Highly suspicious indeed.

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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©