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Archive for 04/13

Someone who thinks a lot should never be alone.
Especially one with suicidal thoughts.
I'm not trying to be a saint.
I just genuinely care.
I don't seem that way because I also know
That the attention you are looking for is not from me.

I admit I have been going out of my way
To be included in your circle of friends
Your lifestyle was very much different from mine
Regardless you interest me and that goes without saying
And although it seems like I don't try very hard like her
I very much would like to be your friend.

You have your days good and bad
And some days I feel like I know you
And some days not at all.
I see you with two sides,
And I don't know which is real.

I can't save you,
But I promise you don't have to be alone.
I am offering my hand,
Should you take it.
I won't force myself on you,
Because my life still goes on
Regardless of when I am with you or not.

I just really want to help.

But these words will never reach you,
Never touch you.
In fact if I know you at all
You would probably laugh and call me a freak.

I don't know what you want,
But I'm offering friendship.

I don't know why because you make it really hard sometimes.
Maybe you're my crutch when it comes to college
And maybe on hindsight I am the one using you.

I'm just so pissed off you know?
I try hard.
Who are you to me?

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I had an awesome dream.
We were all hanging out and you were there.
Except you weren't all avoidy and double faced and shit.
HY was dressing in ridiculous clothes to make us laugh.
We were waiting for the lift
When the girls disappeared and the boys ran off.
I tried to follow them as they ran into staircases
And the places was humongous.
None of you were in sight and all I saw was a girl downstairs.
She was also finding for a way out.
I stared at her with anger as she sensed my presence and looked up.
I swear I didn't make any noise but yet she heard me.
I walked out to continue looking for you guys.
And then finally HY saw me,
And he was dressed properly this time, and he found me.
He called you guys over but only you came.

I woke up missing us and feeling remorseful.
What can I do to fix this?

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With more and more things I know about you,
The more and more hurt I feel.
It makes me think back about whether I deserve this or not.

Maybe I do,
And now I'm tasting the same bitter medicine I gave you.
But this is more bitter.
I guess I didn't know what I was saying
When I told you to find other girls.

I just didn't expect it this fast,
This well, and this great.

I wish I didn't know.
Just when I thought I was getting better
 I hear another thing again.

I don't like what's going on right now.
I feel like I wanna hurt you the same way.
With love for another person,
During the mourning of our relationship.

But no matter what, you were, and are still my friend.
I honestly cared about how you were doing,
I honestly worried.

I really want us to be okay.
But it seems you are even avoiding the rest of us.
What is going on with you?
Maybe I deserved this treatment,
But not the rest of them.
Be fair.

You've lost my respect as an ex,
Don't make me lose respect for you as a friend,
And as a person.

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So I found out how long you've been together.
It was kinda hard to swallow.
Then I saw your friend posting that he was already expecting it.

I guess the term
A shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on applies both ways.

You've got some nerve acting all sad and shit
When you were happily flirting with someone else.
But fine, you deserve it after all the shit I put you through.
True, I can justify myself
But in the end we just weren't working out.
No amount of words is gonna put things right,
Or give back the time and effort we invested in this relationship.

I was all about being happy for you and shit
But right now not so much.
Kinda took it out on anne and yip for a while there
I think I felt bad but I meant to say what I said.

But I can't take revenge on the expense of the rest of us anymore.
You guys are too damned important to me,
Regardless of whether you appreciate me or not.
 I know that I love you guys,
And good friends are hard to find.

Although to be honest you weren't really a good friend either.
You are too self involved to follow up with friends.
Good luck with that.


Okay NOW I feel better..
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.On the way to work today Dad and I are just doing our
Usual chatting, and the topic of relationships came up.
I don't know how it got there but dad mentioned that
When we were much younger mom tried to give us up
But dad said no because he already has a family of his own.

This was the first time I heard of this.
Dad said mom said that in jest, but does it matter?
Mommy didn't want us, daddy didn't want us.

Dad mentioned that if mom didn't have us
Mom would have probably been remarried and been happier.

I know this is going to sound drama,
But it's really something I naturally started to think.
If mom didn't have us as burdens,
Would she be happier now?
If she had a choice, would she wish she had aborted us instead?
Were we nothing but reminders that she fucked up her life?
And now she clings to us
because we are the only thing she has left
To prove that she has done something in her life.

My eyes started to water on the way to work
And no matter how many times I tried to convince myself
That what dad said was true, that mom only said that in jest,
But for a moment there, in that short period of time
My mom tried to give us up, on that day that I don't even remember,
We were orphans, our lives being passed around
Like unwanted clubs and diamonds of three.

I have never ever felt that unwanted in my life.
It probably would have been better if mommy remarried.
If we weren't accidents.

So I don't think it's unfair that I look for someone
I could live with for the rest of my life
because my life doesn't end here as an orphan
because I can be the start of a brand new happy family,
With children and no worries that they will be fatherless.

I rather be single for the rest of my life than to ever
Put a child through a divorce, ever.

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Someone who is similar
Or someone completely different?
Something familiar or something unknown?
Which one is better?
And by better, what exactly does that entail?
Like, is it better to last?
Or is it better that it's more exciting?
Is it better to agree on everything?
Is it better to have arguments and compromise?

I'm not so sure.
Is there an in between?
Would you call that perfect or just meh?

Maybe I'm a little traditional in the way
Where I do want to get married
And do not want a divorce
(Not that people go around thinking yeah I wanna get divorced
At least twice in my life, that's be swell)
But I want a functioning relationship, partnership if you will.

I always thought love and spark never last.
So what's important are the kids.
They should never go through having two addresses.

Although so, It doesn't mean I don't believe in it.
I just accept that in reality love doesn't always last.
But I'm still hopeful that one may possibly.
And it may not be the very next relationship I have.
Because I should be that lucky.

I know that there will be many broken hearts before
I find him. Perfect or not.
He will be my pillar.
Call me anti-feminist but I want someone to depend on.
Someone to protect me,
Someone to tell me what to do when I'm lost,
A man.
I don't even mind if I love him more,
As long as he can provide.

I once told Kels I don't even mind if he goes out looking for girls,
As long as at the end of the day he comes back.
Sort of like you go for noodles sometimes
But you know you'll always have rice.

Someone different from me would be
Exciting, outgoing, charming, fearless.
Not a particular set of trait on a man
I think I can spend the rest of my life time with.

I mean, I know I'm like UGH
But I just can't get it through.
Like dating for the sake of it.
I just can't.
I'll start imagining one day when we get a house together,
Go for holidays with a bunch of friends,
Start a family and shit.
I just always, always wanted a complete family.

Maybe I should scout around places like the library.

Yeah someone just like me would be the most stable.
I don't know if that is considered better,
But who is to say anyway right?

How about I do that now..
And worry about a husband to be later?

or do I?
Hahaha I am so crazy,
And you triggered it.

I will remember you confirm la.
You were my very own gateway drug to who I am not.
I'll be there as long as you need me
But don't make me regret opening my heart to you.

Also you big son of a bitch I bled.

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Hahaha reading last night's post cracked me up.
For some reason I just let it happen.
And I feel fine.
What's up with that?

Also apparently we'e been everyone's source of entertainment.
People think I like him.
Well, I am attached to him because he's the one I'm closest to,
And I won't say I don't like him?
It's just, it's more complicated than that.
He's not my type, I'm not his type,
It's more of a physical thing I guess.
We both definitely do not match emotionally,
Even intellectually.
Our lifestyle don't match at all,
It would take a lot of hard work to keep up with him.
Plus with his mouth HOW THE FUCK will I ever be secured
I know I shouldn't judge but yea,
How will I know that he's really changed?

Not that he's really into me either but
If he could convince me that he could be loyal
Then we could date I guess.

Also he doesn't believe in love.
So I'm not sure what to expect from him then
Should we date.
Like what are we? Exclusive fuck buddies?
Lol. I just can't do that yet.
And I don't think I'm being very unrealist of me.

Love is very real.
It doesn't last yes,
But that doesn't disprove it's existence.
I want to fall in love,
Because you can fall in lust with every tom dick and harry.
I know, I do.

There are moments where I just want the D too alright.
I just don't follow through because those are just fantasies.
I can't sleep with someone and not be emotionally attached.
Yes I am those type of girl and I'm not gonna deny it
And pretend I'm cool and shit.
I want to sleep with a guy who only wants to sleep with me.
There I said it.
Fuck people who makes me feel like some dumbass
For wanting this shit, seriously.

Maybe you should respect yourself more.
Ironically I didn't lol.
But I feel okay.
I thought I'd feel remorse and shame
But I'm like MEH.

Kids, you see what social influence does to you
over time?

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Was supposed to work on my Multimedia assignment
But I have an errand to run for my brother,
So will be heading out in a mo.

Later on tonight I'll be sleeping over.
I hope he doesn't try anything funny.
I'm still a little bit attached,
But I don't wanna be taken advantage of any more.

From the way he speaks about girls yesterday
Was a little stab every now and then at my dignity and pride.
I put on a smile but fuck am I ashamed.
I'm not a place for you to store your d alright?
Thank God he can't put me on his list.
Although I was halfway there.

I have feelings okay,
I'm not a fucking pudgy pin cushion.

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I don't know what it is, but yeah I do!
I decided I should go out more
And so I am and will be.
This Saturday I will be going out with some high school
Friends I don't usually hang out with but okay chemistry.
He thinks I am very confident LOL
But I decided I should not care about whatever I am feeling
Just disregard all the insecurities and fear
Go out of my comfort zone and just make more friends.

Although Ken is just being himselfs
His jab at my ex was like LOL
And I brightened up.

Check up moved to Friday.
Will blog about it.

Recently sold a watch to Pri, a girl from college.
Like everybody here they are really nice
But if they want they can bite back la.
I'm glad I don't piss anyone off.. yet.
Although I was quiet but I had fun.
I think I'll always be the listening type.
Unless it's Kelsey because my mouth non stoppppp.

Hey maybe Kelsey is my verbal toilet from all the
Word constipation I face during college HAHAHAHAHA

Oh my.. I am so lame.
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Fuck my fucking life la.
Seriously I am not okay with that fucking picture just FML FML
It's not about me wanting him back or shit
It's that it's too fucking fast la.
Three months THREE MONTHS
And I'm supposed to take this shit like a mature person

To clear the air should it come up again
Amongst my friend or should I die from fucking depression
Yes I love him but no I can't take the way he deals with shit
And how he's too dependent so we broke up on these terms
He grow the fuck up and discover there are better girls out there
Compared to me.
And of course he found one lol alright it's on me.

I have nothing against her though.
She is pretty much virtually perfect for him.
Soft spoken, feminine, studies the same course
(I think) know and hang out with the same friends,
Speaks chinese, skinny and tall. And fine. PRETTY.

Omg we are literally different in every aspect.
Besides the fact that we are of the same gender.
Oh wait not even that lol.

So yeah, THE FACT IS even if he wants me back I wouldn't take him,
(so Sam, yeah I know I dumped him. HEY WAIT A MIN I DIDN'T

Yay more reasons to be depressed.

It's more to how fucking fast he got over me.
Three months ago it was shit like
"I will never give up" and all that jazz like he cannot
Live without me then he up and goes and just started
Courting another girl barely a month later.

I mean assuming it took him 2 months to court the girl.
We broke up on Nov 19th but was still hanging out until
We fought about you giving me my space but then reprimanded me for it.
That was about 20th of January.
Today is 2nd of April (HAPPY BIRTHDAY AHMA)
So in 72 days, literally three months to the dot.
Wow darling I was worth that much to you.

Okay yeah rebound but who said rebounds never last?
In fact it's fucking awesome to have rebounds
Because you have someone to fuck away the shit in your life.

I need to get drunk.
Forget about you because you have no respect
Regret being together with you if I meant so little to you.
I literally gave you everything weh.
Time,energy, love, patience, money.
Provided I did not have patience
But it took me 2 years to break it off didn't I?
Can't say I never tried.

Okay, all rantings aside.
I still wish you and Wei Sen can (probably will la)
Last longer than we do.

Also, what's the appropriate amount of time
Should it be okay anyway?
I think half a year is good.

Seriously expected more from you.

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