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Archive for 03/13

.While having dinner with mom,
I told her that my dad thinks if I had the product knowledge,
I could be a very outstanding sales person,
Even better than himself maybe.
My mom chuckled and said
"Aiyah he sweet talker"
Which kinda proves how much my mom thinks of me
Although it is a bit far fetched because my dad
Is excellent in customer service and is a very very
Charming person.
I was a little hurt because she was so ready to dismiss it,
But then this is coming from the same person
Who thinks I can't sing.

So fast forward a day, and we're having dinner again.
I showed her some pictures I took with my S3
And then editted with photoshop.
Although this is without her permission,
I think she wouldn't mind.




I'm not saying these belong in the met
But hey from S3 okay ma right.
So I ask nice or not she say okay la.

Then I sat back and thought.
Was there ever a time my mom actually gave me a compliment?
I thought about it, and the only thing that ever came close was
That she only scold me and not my brother
Because I understand and my brother doesn't.
That was it.

I told her she never compliments me.
She said where got and then said don't start with her in the public
While we are out having a nice dinner.
I just shut up and eat la my dinner.
Then she nonchalantly said "Wah, good thing you suggested
We order two different dishes.You're so clever.
There, I compliment you right?"

Yes mom, if only live were that easy.
It got me thinking if the reason why I am always insecured
And always thinking I'm not good enough,
Always thinking someday everybody will leave me
Simply because I never am gonna be good enough
Roots from this?

I mean, to this day.
I still worry that Kelsey would have had enough of me
And wouldn't wanna be my friend anymore.
It's a tiring job (for kelsey),
But what I have is probably a self fulfilling prophecy.
That people leave me not because I suck,
But because I worry that I suck, so much.

I always need to be reminded that I am important,
That I matter.
If not I will start worrying if I am.
Or if I overstay my welcome.
If I annoy people.
If I If I If I.
Wow that was hard to type.

Or maybe I just fucked up la.

Also 9Gag says intelligent people have copper or silver hair.
I have both, although the last time it was sighted was back in INTI.
Wow IACT brings the dumb out of people don't they.

Uhm the next paragraph is gonna be disgusting.
So don't say I never warn you kay.
I recently found a lump in my nether regions.
I thought it was just a growth or whatever,
But it hasn't been going away, and it's getting bigger.

I just told my mom about it and she said to go have a check up.
So wednesday it is.
I don't know if it's anything I should worry about,
But drama that I am,
I think if I die it would be alright.
Aiyah cannot lah who will take care of my mom.

Okay guess I cannot die then.
Annoying.

Also, if kelsey is reading this,
she can probably imagine how I would say this because
I say it all the time.

"I'M DYING!!"

Hahaha how appropriate it is now!
LOL.

  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

So...
You've obviously successfully moved on.
It was only because I had a long talk with Michelle that made me realise
What I've done to myself.

When we broke up,
I was worried about you.
I wanted to make things easier for you.
Therefore,
I decided to cut all ties with our friends,
Because they should be there for you.
I am strong, I will be fine.
Or so I thought.

I didn't talk to you,
I didn't talk to anyone of our friends about you.
I just thought completely no communication is the best way.
And of course, everything worked out.
Except for the fact that you don't talk much to HY,
Because I needed a friend.

It was the worst thing I have done for myself.
In order to make things easy for all of us,
I shunned myself.
I blame myself for what's become; if I didn't date you
Nothing of this sort would happen.

And so I chose the worst time to be alone.
Kelsey moved to Australia,
So I have no other close friends beside me.

I didn't know what I was feeling at first,
And I sort of numbed myself.
I didn't want to do anything, talk to anyone.
I literally just wanna go home and lie on my bed.
Do something that doesn't make me think.

I felt vulnerable and clung on to the next thing that
Could appease my emotional needs even by a little bit.
I clung on to something that hurt me.
And all I could feel is emptiness.
Even with a guy that treats me like I'm worthless,
I still wanted more.
I just want to feel like I matter to somebody.
That with me around life is better.
To be appreciated.
And in the end I just felt used.

So out of all these things that happened,
I had no idea what was going on with me.
I literally did not have the want to do anything.
By the end of March I was practically living in a dump.
My room is a mess, there are clothes all over the floor
Assignments are going crazy, my mom's nagging me outside the door
And I just layed down and look at the ceiling.
I didn't answer her. I simply didn't care.

Then only recently when I talked to Michelle,
She made me realise that, I haven't started the healing process myself.
I needed to get over you too.
And I haven't.
I was so determined to make you forget me
I forgot that I was also a player in the game that we lost.

When we broke up, nobody asked if I was okay,
And I was so caught up with telling HY to take care of you
I didn't even understand that we broke up.
We, meaning you, and ALSO me.

So, now I feel this soreness.
I know how long it took you to get over your last ex.
Maybe I didn't mean that much to you,
But then again it was what I told you to do.
Get a new gf, don't be blinded.
Then it made me happy that you were happy.

I'll get over you soon.
But for now I just want to get lost in a moment.

Michelle also made me realise
I don't know how married couples are.
Like, do they talk a lot?
Or how much time they spend together.
I just have no idea.
I had no example to follow.
I don't have a complete set of family.

Divorced kids.
It's no big deal actually,
But it does have an impact psychologically.
And it took one rant to make me realise,
I have no idea what a functioning relationship is like.

One day.

P.S: I wish he don't rub it in my face.
It's been three months and we've been going out for two years.
Have some respect.
  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Is casual sex really so casual?
I mean, does it really mean nothing?
How hurt do you have to be to be able to sleep with anybody?
If you were truly happy you wouldn't need this compulsion
To sleep with multiple people, wouldn't you think?

I see it in television all the time.
You celebrate valentines and anniversaries,
You sleep together and call them your significant other.
But It's so hard to say I love you?
IT'S LIKE HER MEH GERD I SAID THE L WORD
What's with this culture?!
I mean how sad do you have to be?

I mean, it's pretty much the same as being with a pet.
Minus the animal sex of course, but basically,
Without love there's only companionship.
In that case the crazy cat lady is a sluuuuuuuuuuuuut hahaha.

How can one be in a "relationship" and don't see marriage in the horizon?
For fun? For company? So you're not alone?
I mean that's just sad.
Not to say that it's exactly a fun place to be
Being single and all, and maybe I haven't been single long enough
To be desperate to that extent, but that's just it, isn't it?
You're being with someone because you don't want to be lonely.

So pretty much whoever comes first gets a go.
That's not okay with me.
Maybe I'll change my mind when I'm single for the next two years,
But right now... not so much.

Would I call myself a prude?
I wouldn't. But that's just me.
I know I'm not the most adventurous when it comes to sexual partners
But is it SO WRONG to not want to sleep with someone
Unless I expect it will go further?
It doesn't HAVE to be marriage,
But I want to know it will go somewhere.

(Alright I reread what I wrote and even I have to admit I sound scary here)
Not just two people banging exclusively (if it is indeed exclusively)


I mean, how dumb do I have to be
To sleep with someone I KNOW doesn't care?
Boys will be boys but that doesn't mean we should indulge them!
GURL HAVE SOME RESPECT

Basically, romance is dead,
In fact, ITS WEIRD and CORNY.

Seriously guys.
Fuck you.

  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

A fight we had.
We were in my room and we just fought about something
I can't seem to remember.
We were about to head out for a movie and I was getting ready.
I put on my sour face in hope that you would come
And try to console me.
You instead stayed on the bed and played with my iPad.
So I just brushed it off and continued getting ready
With my make up, trying to put on some blush.
Naturally I would smile so that I can see where should
I concentrate my blusher on.
At that moment you looked up at me
Seeing how my sour face turned into my cheeky smile
And laughed, you said that I was so cute.
I pretended to be still angry.

But I was also laughing inside.
You still didn't console me though and I forgot about it
And we had a great time,
Until our next fight.
  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I'd be lying if I said I never thought about you,
Because I am most worried about you, and how you're holding up.
The ironic thing is I am trying so hard to not show that I care.
I don't ask anybody because.. I don't know.
Ego problem I guess. I know I was not the nicest
And I didn't care to be reminded of it.

But it's really an eyesore to see anything about you.
Stupid facebook keep telling me where you are and who you're with,
GOD KNOWS I CLICKED EVERY POSSIBLE THING
To try to turn it off.
But I can't. So I have to deal with the feelings
That come to me when I see those notifications.
What's worse is thanks to technology
I get triple reminded of it on my laptop, my phone and my ipad.
FML.

On the other hand,
Semester is ending soon, Ben left us for good
And now our number has dwindled down to three.
I don't think I will be seeing him around but I sure will miss him.

I'm about to do something soon which I never thought I would.
YOLO, right?
Hahaha.
The bad thing is it's not peer pressure, I asked for it.
So, no matter what happens, it's on me.
But it's controlled, so no big deal.
Just wanna have fun, loosen some reins,
Get lost in the music, and maybe the pleasure.
Not worrying about what's right and what wrong but what's good.

Not sure where my life is heading right now,
But I got work from a friend and next semester I will be taking
Web design classes, very excited.
And maybe from there I can do what I love doing.
Earn some money.
Then my mom wouldn't need to work anymore.
She's OLD.

Ahh I am actually kinda excited for what's about to happen
Like a little kid going for a roller coaster ride.
I don't even know if I come off that way at all
But it's like I'm breathing for the first time.
I feel... BAD. HAHAHA. ME. BAD.
BAD GIRL.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Just the thought is so hilarious.

I said I wanted to get tipsy/drunk for a mo
And Ken laughed at me.
Said I'm too cute to be drunk.
Lately a lot of people use the word cute on me.
I think it's sarcastic, but then again whatever.
If I say so I may be stamped insecure again.
Which I am.
Rub a dub dub.

So, yea.
I need to forget.
Someone make me forget.
Or make me new memories.
Because now I'm living in the aftermath,
Where the nothingness reminds me of every single thing
That has happened last year, the beginning of this year.
It reminds me of all the shit I've done,
Shit I have yet to fix,
Shit I feel guilty for,
Shit I am about to do,
and Shit I just haven't done.

God, if you still see me,
Take care of me.

  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Hello there.
I don't know what I am doing.
I am keeping to myself more than usual.
I don't try at anything anymore.
I just want to indulge myself in things I cannot have,
And shouldn't do.

Assignments are mounting,
My responsibility is getting heavier.
The only time I have fun is talking to my stepsisters
Because they love me.
Also because I'm a kid around them.
I am me.

I like being a kid.
As much as I would love to take care of someone,
I wish that someone would take care of me.
Someone who wonders what I am doing,
But doesn't end it with "oh well".

I feel like I am voluntarily climbing into a dark hole
Thinking that that is where I would be less troublesome to anyone.
They wouldn't see me, wouldn't pity me, wouldn't have to take care of me.
I want someone who wants to take care of me.
Someone who saw where I was going and wants to get me out of it.

I know I don't seem like such a person.
To everyone I am smiley, I laugh, I care.
But behind that I'm quiet, I am confused and I am lost.

I want to talk to someone but then my trouble seems so small.
Who would want to listen to me?
So there's you. I could write in you all I want.

I don't like conflict, I'll try to take as much as I can before it breaks me.
I try to be nice, but time again I was taken advantage of.
Yet I return for more. What good does it do me?
Will I ever be seen as someone important?
Was I ever? Can I be?

I can't change who I am.
I am insecured. If being insecured makes people dislike me
Then that was the answer to all questions.
I would never stop being insecured until I feel like I am enough.

That being me is enough.
That how I look like is enough.
That I am fine the way I am.
And If not, love me despite that.

I've abandoned all old friends.
What are friends?
What's crossing the line and what's caring enough?
I see her point of view.
I was there once.
Now I know it's not pretty.
I am so sorry for what I said.
But I can't fix this right now.
And I know I can't depend on any of you to try.
And that's what makes me tired.
I don't want to be the one who cares enough to do something.
I don't want to be taken advantage of.
I wanna stop blaming myself for everything.
For once I would like to blame someone else.
And feel no guilt.
Hear nothing from my conscience.
And just be at liberty.

There are so many things running around my head every night.
I don't divulge.
They are the same things that haunt me every night.

Did i do the right thing?
Should I do the right thing?
What if they don't care?
Am I daft?

The cycle repeats.

Maybe one day I would look back and laugh at myself for this post.
Maybe I won't.
But for now it's real to me.
It gnaws, it tears, it numbs.

You are running through my mind.
Who are you to stay there?
You're not good for me.
And yet I wanna save you.
You hate yourself.
You shouldn't.

Or maybe I just want to have someone do the same for me.
We have different lives.
But ants have troubles too, and trouble is trouble,
no matter how small.

Since the breakup I've been feeling stressed.
I hate you, but I worry for you.
I remember when you were falling out with your ex.
I was there. You were not in a good place.
But I trust our friends are taking good care of you.
I am sorry I could not be the one.
I despise you, but I still care for you.
You will always be in my mind.

I hope in years to come when you are getting married,
We can look back and laugh at how silly we were.
You were a friend, are you my friend?
We are supposed to be family.

What am I doing?

  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©