Tweet Feed

Blog Archive

Archive for 2013

Hahaha, of course I cared.
But it takes a special kind of disappointment over a
long stretch of time to make me this rueful,
Enough to have me cut you off from my life.
Me, the one with attachment issues.
Me, the one who stuck through other people who use me
And still I insist are friends.

If you were to use any excuses at all as to why
We didn't go out before tomorrow,
Such as "you didn't seem too keen"
Then say hello to yourselves for the past year.

I still have hope,
But perhaps it's rather implausible for you
To make any plans, to stick with it.

Maybe someday I'll grow up to regret this decision,
But for now


 - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I'm sure everyone know what friendzone means,
And sad to say that yes while it is true that females
Does it to their male friends all the time,
but if we don't we'd all be whores, no?

Now, while this apply for mostly guys,
There is also a phenomenon that most girls suffer from.
I call it the friendzone alternative.

Sure we pass by the same stages you would expect in a relationship:
Acquaintances, Friends, Close friends,
It's really hard to tell which ladder you'll end up climbing,
The relationship ladder or the friendzone alternative because they both
Start off essentially the same, and you only know which ladder you're on
When it's too late and have too much time invested.

What is the friendzone alternative?
Well, my lady friends, the frienzone alternative
Is ultimately the suprise fuckbuddy.

I love your companionship
But I don't want to be with you.

In no fucking universe is that a compliment.
And while some girls with commitment issues
Out there may say otherwise,
Very much like me when I encountered my first one,
Eventually you'll end up feeling used,
Even when it was a mutual agreement.

I was like OH HEY okay,
 I have my needs met.
Is he really using me?
Aren't we reaaaaally using each other?

Then BOOM 1 month later I feel like crap.
But I didn't know what we were until it was happening.
I found out I was never going to call him my boyfriend.
I never had the chance.

Moral of the story?
We friendzone you but at least we didn't fuck you up.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Do I have to die to
Have you notice I'm here too
All my breathing is for, just for you

Or should I ever leave you
Never return until you find your
Finally find your joy your happiness

Haruskah ku mati..
Hingga kau menyadari
Hadirku disini

Ataukah ku pergi
Dan takkan pernah kembali
Bila bahagia yang kau cari

G G7 C Cm

It's as hard to translate malay songs to english songs.
But I'm really addicted to this song.

You can call me silly..
Things are getting a little too real for me..
But I just want you to be happy..
But I'm sorry I won't bet my heart in it..
I won't hurt myself.

Sorry to you too..
I don't see you in that way.
You have always been my kor..
I don't see you any other way
Even though you've moved on from there..
Maybe someday..

As for you..
I don't know what to do about you..
You say you talk to everyone in the same way..
Then am I supposed to take you seriously?
I can't just go with the flow,
I don't want complications anymore..
As you can see if you see it you're the third..

As for you.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Oh it is all so proven now.
Oh? Can't decide which day?
Why is it so hard?
Because none of you give a fuck that's why.

You can go out late with your other stupid friends
But go out with us is like forcing a kiwi down your throat.
We are in our early twenties, WE DON'T NEED SLEEP.

Without me there is no we.
Recent events has proven that.
At first I was like oh no
Friends are friends, appreciate them,
No matter how long or how short we've known each other.
Well then let's judge based on actions shall we, hmmm?

Go on and continue to judge me
Because as of right now I don't give a rats ass about
You and your holier-than-thou attitude.
So go on and be your goody-two-shoe who can do no wrong
Because you're a fucking saint.
Who the fuck are you trying to impress?
My life is no moral education.

I don't even bother and it seems like you won't too.
But that's fine by me.
So go ahead and make plans if you want,
Come fetch me for once,
Set a date, fetch us all.
Then I will make you fetch me home right after.
Let's see how much effort was put into this
What you have been taking for granted, shall we?

I don't even put into consideration the toll and petrol
Before this but thanks for waking me up
To discover how ungrateful you little bitches and bastards are.
Sorry but my time, money and effort
Should not be wasted on the likes of you.

My my, so angry.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

But I am not a child.
I know how to think.
I haven't been staying under someone's wings my entire life.
If you've noticed I am independent.
I have my own outlooks in life.
There are people who eat with cutleries
And there are people who eat with their hands.
None of them is wrong.
Just fucking accept it and move on.
As long as they aren't taking your food away from you
Why the fuck do you care?
Why make such a fucking big fuss?

Don't treat me like a child or I'll treat you like a parent.
Don't take so much pride in something that has no value.
Knowing more fucked up people doesn't mean you are better,
It only means you've allowed yourself to
Mix with the wrong kind of people.
Why should I expose myself to these kind of influences
When I know they are bad for me?
So I can say I know more about the world than you?
And then how does it benefit me?

Following your logic then I should eat shit then I know
How it taste like SO I CAN TELL YOU NOT TO EAT SHIT.
Make sense to you?

I hate your personality so much
But I fucking love you as a friend.
Now I ask myself where is my common sense.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

If you never had constant friends in your life
Then maybe you're the reason why.

Shouldn't that only be logical?
If you're awesome why would anyone leave you?
Betray you?

There's a thin line between not letting someone into your life,
And someone not letting you into their lives.

Give people the benefit of doubt.
If you can't handle them at their worst,
You sure as hell don't deserve them at their best.

If people talk behind your back,
Why would the first thing be betrayal?

"Did you know Sean stole something?"

Please get to the root of the problem and grow the fuck up.
Accept that MAYBE you might have flaw
And try to correct the fuck out of it.

There's such a thing called social retardation
And it does not only limit to people who has no confidence,
It also applies to people who has a false sense of confidence in themselves.

So don't be some self-entitled asshole.
And don't try to defend yourself.
You've lived out your entire life,
And every single person betrayed you?
Get real.

It's like the world's gone mad
And common sense and logic is such a rare thing to expect
From people nowadays.

WTF world.
You are fucked up.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

So.. I noticed I have picked up blogging again.
It's easier to tell shit to a simple machine
Than to say something to someone else
And have them judge you.

Sometimes you just want a listening ear,
And honest "for your own good" opinions aren't always welcomed.
Because now that we are older everyone has developed their own ways
of solving things... and everyone has their own reasons.
What you can do is advice them
Without letting them feel like what they are doing is wrong.
It's just easier for people to accept it that way.
No one likes being told they are doing wrong.
That's just the way it is.

I wish people would pick up this habit.
Of blogging I mean.
In a way, I can see how I progress from various shit episodes,
People close to me can keep up with me whenever they have the time,
And it's a real stress reliever PLUS
It really put things in perspective when you write down what
You've done or how you've feel and reading them over again.
You see everything from a third person's point of view,
And you may surprise yourself.

Like how I know I am contradicting myself all the time.
Nice girl.. then hurt.. then try again.. then no more nice girl..
It goes on and on like a never ending cycle. LOL.

But hey, this is just one way to relieve stress.
How about people who has no idea?
Because apparently there are.

And how about people who are so deluded and self centered?
As if the entire world is revolved around them?
Kinda angers me that we fuel this person's ego
Because honestly he isn't so great on hindsight seeing his
Attitude as of late. Ugh.

We have to realize no matter how we feel the world
Still spins. If you don't move you'll only get left behind.
- -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

.The other day I fatt pei hei at Wira.
I knew I shouldn't have, what more at a public space,
But he was getting on my nerves even after I warned him
That it wasn't a great week for me.

I was actually just merajukking expecting him to
Show a little concern la to be honest.
He pinches me all the time anyway...
But he didn't.
He just ignore me and went back to his laptop.
So.. I walked away and play my ipad lor.
Just chill la, you know.
We never keep grudges and we always just
Give each other space to cool down.
Eventually we just talk it out and it will be fine.
No biggie.

But the least expected happened.

He posted some shit on facebook about being on the brink.
I'm pretty sure it was about me,
If not, I brought it along.
No point asking him because he would deny it.
Probably blaming it on Chong.

So okay. I quiet.
I thought we were better than that.
I expected our friendship to be beyond a stupid
facebook bitching post.

Guess not.

I never felt least respected by this person
Who always seem to prize our "8 year" friendship.
I mean, what were you thinking posting that shit up?
Knowing I would see it?
Were you expecting me to confront you about it,
Knowing you can't deny it?
Why would you want to make things worse?

So fine.
I didn't want to make things worse.
He always told me to stand up for myself,
I hope now that he realize it's because of that very reason that
I refuse to confront that we are still friends/

I apologized, although I knew he was pissed.
I was pissed, but it just wasn't worth it.
Call me a coward,
What's the use of confrontation if it means I would
Lose a friend?

Another thing you give me shit about.
Why I keep them as friends when they give me shit.
Digest at your own pace.

On a different note,
Today I exercised for 5 minutes
And proceeded to barf out my dinner.

10 points to Griffindor!

Can't wait for some well deserved time with kels.

- -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

It was officially 1 year, three days ago.
My day passed as normal.
Thinking back, you really were an a-hole.

Everything is so temporary.
How can I truly love someone,
If I know they will be gone someday?

Will everything be half-hearted?
I was always the type of person that
If I don't see you as a long term friend,
I wouldn't invest in you at all.

So after this clarity..
What do I do now?

  - -

Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Yes, no, maybe.
Banging my head at every corner,
Throwing my heart out to fish for the one
Who will take the bait and come undone
At the discovery of who I am,
Shrouded by who I was
Pretending to be who I'm not,
To get the person who I don't need
To hide the pain of what I want.

Some say they don't care,
But they don't know they don't know
That what we're hiding behind the facade
Is who were are, damaged we fade
Into the reality, as ugly they may be
But reality reality,
Is there more to reality?

Who dares to dream?
How deluded, because it seems
We pay for social acceptance
At the cost of our pain
Without realizing how feeble it is, this temporary gain.

Out out, with old dreams,
Because here comes to real reality.

Happiness is but for awhile.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

You are who you are presently.
Do not let who you were define you.
What's in the past will stay in the past
Unless you let it haunt you.

Grow from it, learn from it.
Don't dwell on it.

If you dwell on it,
You are nothing but a weak, self-pitying person
Who handicaps yourself by justifying
What you are doing/not doing with your past.

I understand the pain,
I understand the suffering.
But everybody goes through different degrees of pain,
And no one can say that their pain was worse.
A baby who lost a mother and a king who lost a war;
It's not about the magnitude, it's all personal.
No one gets to say who got it worse.

So let it go.
Stop pitying yourself.
I can sympathize for the first few times,
But eventually all it boils down to is you whining...

It doesn't make it seem like you are strong at all.
At all.

You are better than this.
You can be.
All you have to do is try.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Good friends are hard to find.
You are not one of them.
You are self-entitled, self-centered and bossy.
You never do nice things for other people unless it benefits you.

That's who you are.

You on the other hand I am not sure.
Should I even consider myself your friend?
Because you haven't shown that you care for me.

Why are people in this world so selfish?
Why can't we all just be friends because it's nice to have friends?
Why does everything have to have an agenda?

I know the world was cruel to you,
But being cruel back only makes you a cold person.
Don't push out people who try.

Why do I try?
Because everyone deserves a me.
Please ah, I am weird but I am a good friend.
Just don't overuse me until I regret being nice to you.

I accept your flaws because you accepted mine.
If you don't, I can only go so far with you.
My patience isn't what it used to be.
My tolerance for bull has gone way down...

I used to think I can't afford to lose my friends,
Nowadays I realize I have a guitar, my voice, and my books.

So screw you guys, I'm out.
If you don't appreciate me,
I won't get out of my way to be less than nice to you,
But don't expect me to do nice things for you either.

Fair trade, no?

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Not sure what that means.
Looking back at my past posts I'm like oh my god why.
Kinda proves to myself how I rush into things,
Just so I could feel loved.

It kept me depressed for a while back then,
And now I am just fine, if not annoyed at times.
I no longer long for you in that sense,
It has been that way since Bali I think.
Maybe Bali is a trip of clarity for me,
When really all I needed was some time away from you,
To take a step back to look at the whole picture.

The more I hang out with you the more I learn to love you,
More as a friend, but much lesser as a potential boyfriend.
There isn't anything you are doing wrong,
But there are now things that I see is not temporary.
And you're not one to change, much like I am.
Perhaps we are too alike then, that now the idea turns me off.

Things has been different anyway.
I don't want to come between you.
It still stings sometimes, but that's about it.
I no longer pursue it.
I wish I could say I am over it.
But rather I think I have just accepted it.
The blow is more to how I'm not worth it more than anything else.

I guess to be honest you were my fix to certain aspects.
I need someone to manja to, and you were there.
It didnt matter to me what other people think,
But now that I think about it perhaps
I have been quite a bitch to her
For manja-ing you.



How can people who has everything going on for them
Feel this way though?
You have the looks, the fame, the talent...
Why so depressed?

I guess loneliness is not only exclusive to fat and
Inappropriate individuals such as myself.
But don't la think like I such a loner.
It's just different bring surrounded by friends,
And being with someone you know belongs to you no matter what.

Which kinda broke my bubble.
Being slim and pretty is not going to make me feel happy
About myself.
And I was like maybe I'm not satisfied because I'm fat?
Well, fuck me.

The security, the stability, the constant.
I know how that feels. I knew it.
It makes me sad to see people go through it.
I wanna reach out but super inappropriate la coz I just know you.

And I never was that lovey dovey anyway.
Sometimes I wish I was kelsey or rachel,
They seem like they know what to do under these circumstances.
How do they get so sure of themselves?
I always question everything I hear and everything I think.
Why why why maybe maybe maybe.

also kinda creepy that I am blogging about this anyway wtf.
I should go to bed.

I just hope you feel better.
Because you're much better than this.
You just need to try and allow yourself that chance.
Dare to hope, dare to confide in yourself.

Sometimes I feel so sad but also SO ANNOYED that guys are so emo.
I mean, if you always like this I also will ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.
But cheer up la, I really do care.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Beauty is a very subjective thing.
I have people who go from"Why her" to "High five!" about me.
Okay the latter did not happen but I would like to hope so.

But isn't it funny to have people think they are better than you
Just because they are prettier?
I mean, who is to decide who is better in life based on what?
Some people measure their success by their physique,
Some by health, some by accomplishments.
It's really up to YOU to decide what really matters.
If someone decides to not be with you because you're not pretty
Or slim enough, that's their prerogative, and frankly
You wouldn't want to be with such a shallow jerk anyway.
(But that's MY prerogative :D).
But of course, it's only too obvious that I am sour because
That has happened to me before, lol.

If I would dare to admit it,
Yes, of course we wouldn't naturally choose someone less attractive.
But once you get to know a person, things change.
Take this guy I know for instance.
He's not particularly handsome, he finds me weird at most times
But he accepts me for who I am even if he doesn't agree.
We disagree about most shit but if it wasn't for some other
Factors that has got NOTHING to do with his face or body,
I would have just let it all out and we would be together.

And then there is this guy whom I think is just ADORABLE,
But I find most good looking people too full of themselves.
They are usually bloody self-entitled and thinks that any girl
That starts talking to him is due to their attraction to his "beauty".
He's got a good body and he is ambitious and a leader.
But his attitude and personality sucks balls.
For a person who tries to swallow everything in and rather take a wider
Look at the big picture, even I couldn't stand him.
In the end I just broke off whatever it is we were
(We weren't together but we were sort of dating)
And gave him a piece of my mind.
Then he says shit like my insecurity will by my demise
Bla bla bla and never talked to me again since.

So yes, life is but a pain.
Life of course it not all just about romance,
But alas I am to decide what am I looking for in a man.
I'd like to be realistic and just look for a man that can take care of me,
Because I am not the type to suffer for love.
Maybe I haven't met anyone who would make me want to,
But I just think that suffering together or WORSE taking care of him
Is just impractical and exhausting.
Not to say of course that those feelings are totally denied to me,
But I should only be so lucky to meet a man I love that much.

So the next best thing is to find a man that can take care of himself,
Has goals no matter how little,
Wants to improve their way of living,
And hopefully someone with a wicked sense of humour
If I am trying to get your attention then I WILL insult you,
I don't quite know how to put it in a right sentence but seriously,
My mean jokes are funny simply BECAUSE they are mean.
I don't mean anything by it.
Does that make sense?
I know I know it doesn't make it right,
But it's how I gauge my closeness to you.
If you are offended then you don't know me well enough,
If you are close to me then you'll shoot me back with something
FAR WORSE. And I will show you my hurt face,

That's my ideal friendship right there.
Funnily enough I have never been to that stage with Kelsey
Because I think I revere her too much.
Also there isn't anything to insult.

Also, I seem to attract chinese ed guys more.
I love them because they are mostly sensitive and sweet,
But I also despise them because they are too sensitive and sweet.
It's a love/hate thing. MERDE.

Hanging out with a different group lately.
Won't say I don't miss the old gang but change is inevitable right?
Plus I go out more now, have a semblance of what I call social life,
And my mom disagrees but I am more confident about myself now.
Like if people find me weird I'm like YES BASK IN MY ODDITY
Instead of oh no say something normal.
Be myself right?

Hahahaha I am so sleepy.
Heading off to Wira later, kat SS15.
Unexpected nest of ours for the past week.
I've got nothing to do but sing there which isn't so bad
If I weren't beginning to get sick of the place.
Not that the people and the place there isn't awesome,
But I am so bored because I can't paint well and won't put myself thru
That kind of humiliation again especially when I call myself
A "designer" and I suck so bad.
I should just stick to what I know.

Wow haven't blogged like this in a while.
If you guys read this post all the way thru I applaud you.
Text me to claim a free dinner.
I got my new car and it is so god damn fuel efficient
I am driving with glee everytime I zip up the freeway.

Oh ya did I mention I finally got my new car?
Well, really it's my stepmom's old car but it's only a year old.
It's a Vios.
Couldn't ask for more,
Except I got a C this term so..
Sorry dad.

You make me fear having feelings,
Because I still cannot tell between love and lust.
I don't want to be another girl that just seems to like you
For your looks, but if I dare to allow myself for once?

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Ola Amigos.
Started subconsciously speaking with a hint of British accent thanks to
Game of Thrones. Need to get a new series. Recommendations?

New semester. Results coming out in a few days.
Hopeeeeeeeeeefully I don't get another C.
Second Class honours are all I'm asking for lololol.

So the thing is,
I thought we were good but apparently not because somebody
Doesn't even have the tendency to call back or text back.
Fine, up to you. Don't say I didn't try.
It's not like I haven't given you time to heal.
I just wanna be friends.

Some friend, the lot of you.
Don't expect me to wait on hand and foot for any of you anymore.
At this point I rather save my petrol money and time on someone else.
You all busy your life okay?
Any of you even have any idea what's going in my life now?
So there. This is the end of an era.
It was great while it lasted, I hope karma kicks you on the way out.

On a happier note, going to Aussie in approximate 38 days.
Kinda excited but nervous at the same time thanks to the movie Taken,
Coz I will be travelling alone. Yep. Brave ol me.

Haven't been playing the guitar for ages because I've been growing out my nails.
Its the longest it has ever been.
I know this is sad but I feel such a strong sense of accomplishment

Hoping to write another song soon.
Ilham come to meeeeeeeeee.

Over and out peeps.
Stay cool.
Except you you sons of bitches.
(Pardon my french)

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Hello there.
I am not sure how many of you are loyal readers.
Sometimes I forget I have any.
I mean, unless all of you rejoice in my misery,
Because all I ever post are sad stuff.
So don't mistaken, I have happy days too,
I was just out enjoying them.
Which on hindsight is kinda stupid because one day
I might look back at this blog and think what a sad depressing
Bitch I was around my 20s.
(I assume I would stop blogging soon enough.)

So.. I'll start now.
This year I learnt quite a lot.
And most of it was in the hard way but hey silver lining.
Appreciate what you have,
And let go of what doesn't appreciate you.
Next year hopefully I will learn how to differentiate between the two,

I have also learnt that BOY MY INTUITION IS RATHER ZHUN.
If next time I have a feeling someone likes me

I learnt that stupidity and courage runs in groups,
So I shall make less of friends in gangs and go one on one instead.
They say the darnedest things and boy are they fucking stupid.

I learnt that good friends though are easy to spot.
You don't have to wonder if they will be around,
Because they are around.
Those you can count on for the littlest things.
So happy to discover this.

I made good with my ex.
Not sure if he meant it but I'm sure it can only go uphill from here.

I'm getting a car this friday.
Fingers crossed.

Can't wait for holidays.
Bali and Aussie this year.
Bangkok next year maybe?
No thanks to going on trips with the retards.
I'll go with my family or my cousin thanks.

Graduating next year.
Working with dad and family.
Not sure if yay but hopeful yay.

How come I feel more and more depressed the more I write this?

I'm 67kg now. Pls fucking kill this manatee.

Oh wit must write happy stuff right?
Then I guess I ran out.

Fuck you guys.
You were the biggest disappointment of 2013.

- -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Today I went to my mother's room to look for a belt
And I saw that she rearranged her room.
Being the kepochi that I am I look around la.
Maybe got some of my stuff lying around that has been forgotten.

I saw the pictures of my brother and I displayed
On the transparent part of her little shelf and that made me smile.
Then I spotted a small photo frame that was facing down.
I took it up expecting to see more of our pictures,
When I saw it it struck sorrow to me.

It was foreign to me, that picture.
Back then when I don't remember anything.
Was it happy for her?
Could it have worked if only more patience and tolerance was around?

Those are years she can never part with and never forget,
Because it was her one and only.
To feel what I felt now for years,
And not ever again.

Now with only us to love I feel so guilty for all the time
She called and called and me ignoring her calls.
She loves us in her own way because
We are the most important thing in her life.
We were the only thing that stuck around,
No matter what happened we will always be together.
Always there.

When I saw that picture I cried.
I felt so sad for her,
For how we turned out.
Wanting a happy family but it didn't turn out the way she wanted it.
Again and again.
I'm so sorry mom.
I know we are broken, but as long as we are willing to try
No matter how much we shout at each other,
We know deep down we really do love each other,
We just don't know how to show it,
And didn't want to because it's strange to change.

Maybe he couldn't show you the love you deserve,
And now it's time I show you mine.
It's going to be hard because it's a 180 degree change.
I hope I can keep it up.

Because everything I understood about you changed mom,
Everything came crashing down
At the moment I saw your wedding picture framed
After all these years.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

You broke off with me in jest.
Spewed words without thinking.
I thought you were kidding, but you went on and on.
I got your message, and I accepted it, even though I did not like it.
I cried a little bit, but yet I felt relieved.

We had a good run, you and I.
We had our spark, our teasing, the first time we kissed.
But that all changed, as things do eventually.

When one can't keep the spark going,
things eventually mellow down to reality.
Where lust used to drive us, now remains compatibility.
We now have to learn to be with each other,
Not lusting for, but to be there for each other.
We have to be able to communicate, and well.
If not, then what's the point?

We have to compliment each other,
To make each other better.

While I am your support,
I had none.
You are not good with words, nor with actions.
You have the thought, but nothing falls through.
Despite your patience with me,
I was turning out worse.

I yelled, I condescended,
Of the high hopes of what I had of you from the start trickled into nothing;
I expected nothing of you, nothing from you.
To the extent where I pre-assumed that to go to you
For anything would be a waste of time.
Because after 2 years, when I am sad,
You can't make me happy.
When I need answers,
You can't provide me anything of use.
When I am excited,
You don't even know what it is I am excited about.

Slowly the relationship felt more and more like a gig.
A babysitting gig.
I often had to take care of what I say around you.
I can't make jokes without hurting you.
Provided that my jokes are nasty,
But that's the joke part.
It's really mean, that was the whole point.
Because I would never have say that.
"You know I can't eat pork!"
"Sheesh, malays!"
Nasty joke there, not a joke I would pull on someone
I am not close with.

You were someone who were easily contented.
I admire you for that.
You expect things to be the same from start to finish.
I'm sorry that the spark died,
But when it does we have to adapt.
I can't go on with the relationship fuelled
By the happiness we had in the past.
We are at the present.
We have to progress, think ahead.
If we were already talking about marriage,
Then I would like to see someone who can walk with me
If not, then at least to support me when I stumble.
I only felt like I had to carry you along the way,
And If I don't you would really not stand up for yourself,
And sink lower and lower on the ground.

I am stubborn, hot headed, opinionated,
Loud, have crude humour, and a sailor's mouth.
I am not slim and feminine, I don't give 2 fucks about my health,
I'm curious about everything, and always asking questions.
I am not sorry for who I am,
Only sorry that you were landed with me.
That you couldn't adapt to who I am
Beyond the spark, beyond the lust.

Despite that I could provide anything you needed,
I just stopped, knowing I'm not getting anything back.
I wanted you to try, hinted it. Said it. Yelled it. Cried it.
I told you we were on thin threads.

These were the words I said almost 10 months ago.
While I remember everything,
When some nights I wish you are right beside me,
I have now finally accepted that sometimes you can't force it.

I wish you could see that I don't blame you.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
Sometimes people are just too different.
I wish you all the best.

I am so jealous that you found someone right away,
And it can only be karma that I have landed with guys
That aren't right for me.
I learnt everything the hard way,
Where I only realize when it's too late and I am in too deep.

I'm not sure if you have heard but I haven't been myself lately.
And I miss having you as a friend.
I been out doing what I told you I wanted to do,
And I've come back now.

It wasn't as fun as I thought it was when I have you haunting me
In the back of my mind.
I don't know what I was trying to prove
When I went out with those guys.
Especially when I heard you getting together with her.

I hope someday I can find someone who wants to stay with me.
Maybe you'd be glad to know that those I want to stay leaves,
And those I didn't want stays.
That's life huh?

Good night, love.
I'm tired now.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

You pull me under once again
I don't know what I am doing sticking round the likes of you

You make me wonder once again
What it would feel like to touch behind the glass that is you

Breathe in to me, Breathe in the life into me
Breathe into me the one who's pressed against the wall

Fall into me, Fall in the mess that is me
Fall in and make a home out of this hell im living

You make my heart beat once again
Although right now it beats out of time left alone by you

You make me cry, You make me cry just a little bit
When my love can't break the barrier of life that hurt you

You'd hurt me but yet it pulls me closer
I stay away but yet I falter
Who are you to make me feel this way
Who are you to make me feel at all
Who are you?

Em D C Am
6th Fret, Standard Tuning

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

It's not just about sex this time. I can feel it. 
We can really talk. Well, sort of. 
Not like kelsey, but close enough. 
Closer than anyone has ever been before at least.

The paragraph above me is taken from my last post.
Just try to digest what it means. And reflect.
If I were to make a decision,
You would be the first to go.

Kelsey is perfect.
Do I love her because she is bias? No.
I love her because she loves me so much she actually
Believes she is not being bias. Or if not,
She is taking care of my self esteem.
To this day she would not admit this.

She would never judge me.
I can tell her I just murdered someone
She would say you want help burying the body?
No questions asked. No stupid ones at least.

That's loyalty.
That's concern for my welfare.
That's friendship.

It's time like this I want to watch the world burn.
I don't need a moral police. I've got mommy for that.

Your concern..
Is it for who I am about to become,
Or why I am being like this?
Just think about it.
If your answer is the former,
I will not hesitate to say good bye.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I'd very much like to believe your story.
But realistically if I told anyone about us
You would be labelled an asshole straight from the bat.

As much as you love me you have a girlfriend.
So the only decision I have to make is stay away.
Do not indulge.

Is there really a but?
I am desperate to hear one but I know it's just an excuse.
Perhaps I could use the opportunity these few days
To keep a distance and try to forget the feeling of yearning.

I have never really gotten to know you when I was younger.
And to discover a male Kelsey, well
I know it's a funny label but trust me, that's huge.
It would be hard to let you go.

But I must, so I will.
Don't bother asking if it is what I want,
Because reality doesn't work that way.

I just hope you don't call me,
Because what we have is so natural,
We don't have to try hard to flow,
To enjoy each other;s company.

It's hard to try not to enjoy.
In some ways I wish I could be who I was back then.
Then I could easily shut you out,
And I wouldn't feel anything because of the wall I built back then.
And you would feel dejected and just forget about me.

Strangely enough why is it different this time though?
I mean it's not the first time you stroke up a conversation with me,
So why this time?

Simply because we met up?
Are our "love" (lolcorny) really that strong?
That all it took was a tiny moment to just be with each other
To want each other this way?

It's not just about sex this time.
I can feel it.
We can really talk.
Well, sort of.
Not like kelsey, but close enough.
Closer than anyone has ever been before at least.


I don't know how to stop these feelings without
Not stopping to talk to him at all.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

At night I hear you calling me from the head of my bed
As my eyes shut close and my brain begins to speak
Through the many tears I shed but now on hindsight
These waterfall tells me that I may need you

There are many nights I sleep just thinking of you
While I turn away to face all my fears
All the choices that I made just thinking of me
Now all I'm looking for is someone like you

Smile away as the crowds pass me by like I'm silver
The lights they shine on me but will they ever let me go
If one day I find you oh love me forever love me so
Then I'll know I'm gold

Loving for the sake of love I'm being so cruel
For being blind till my brain begins to shriek
My heart needs someone that would prove how much he loves me
Not with words that has no meaning and no direction

Somedays I wish you were made to be someone I do
Think that I could live with too
But all the choices that you made not thinking of anything
You're breaking me breaking me down

Smile away as the crowds pass me by like I'm silver
The lights they shine on me but will they ever let me go
If one day I find you oh love me forever love me so
Then I'll know I'm gold.

C Am Em G

F G C G Am Em

- -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Why are you so silly?
She is almost like me.
She is almost like me but prettier and slimmer.
Who the fuck downgrades for the same function?

Except you're not downgrading.
Except you're having two.

It's like having two different dreams but only one reality.
I want to be a singer/songwriter, that's a dream job.
I want to be a web designer, that's a job I am actually considering.

So why are we being so cruel to each other?
Is there a way we could stay away from each other
But still be friends?
Why hang hopes on a string you're not willing to let go?
I'm so close to it but it's not mine.
I'm being told to.. what exactly?

So I have to be cruel.
Your words and your actions.
You can say anything but you haven't proven shit.
Because you can't and don't want to.
And I would never make you.
Because that would be the end of our friendship as we know it.
But to not ask for it is just killing me.

I don't want this.
You shouldn't be allowed to make me feel guilty
Whichever step I take.
Should I take care of my feelings.. or yours?
Hurt myself or hurt you?
If I hurt you I would be there to console you..
But you're not even asking for that are you?

Don't let this turn out to be another episode, please.
I'm so tired of the drama.
I just want the season to end.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Aiyah I say only lah.
Also dunno if I can keep it up.
I am so fucking confused.
So lost.
I don't know who I want to be.
Apparently I was a bad ass before this
But how come the memory doesn't come back
To the extent of thinking I could be anything remotely badass
Is insanely hilarious to me?

How is it that I am being re-evaluated over my actions
Over the few months rather than the Hanz that I have been for longer?

I kiss ass now to keep peace.
I admit it.
I say things to make people happy.
I say things that might not be true.
If it's less hassle for me, why not?

I developed this thinking that if being honest
Will bring me trouble, then why be honest?
What will it gain me?
Pride? Acceptance from friends that I stood up for myself?
Whilst making shit worse?

Maybe I am stubborn in that sense,
But I won't budge on this.

I refuse to be right for the sake of being right.
There is no purpose there except for self-satisfaction.

But then there is a difference between keeping peace
And having no backbone.
Ian says I need to grow a spine.
Sam says I am way too gullible.

Yes, they are both true.
Perhaps this year hasn't been a friend to me.
I question a lot about who I am and who I wanna be.
I went from standing up for my principles to why should I keep them
To remorse for following the norm of our corrupted society to
I've already done it who cares let's do it again to oh shyt why again.

Gullible, probably because I wanted to believe I was worth it.
Spineless because I was afraid of being lonely.
I know how to defend others, but somehow I lost the voice
To speak up for myself.

It's like I refused to help myself.
The temporary relief, happiness, pleasure.
To me it was better than none.

Somehow or rather I came to the conclusion that I want to be better.
I'm going back to being me.
I will be stubborn in what I believe in.
It doesn't matter if you have eaten more salt than me.
Isn't the child that finds bliss in books?
I am fine being me.

Sharing this with someone and it got me shot down.
Apparently I do not know what I want.
That because there is something I want,
But my heart doesn't agree.
It's not something that can be fixed with a formula.
Not everyone was made with the same capabilities.
No matter how hard you try at it.

And when I want someone to see this difference,
To have someone to say I'm proud you came to your senses.
To encourage me.
I find myself grasping for thin air.

Then you came along.
You make me breathe again.
But always at the wrong time.
You were pre-rejected.
And I am doing what I wouldn't want
Anyone to do with my boyfriend.

To know how many people were to scorn at me
Should I go with this makes me feel cornered.

I ask myself if this was true.
If I did like you,
Or did I simply just found a person to talk to.
If there was anyone else,
Would I still choose you?

But that question has no purpose,
Because situations present and future does not allow.
I would like to think I am above peer pressure,
But I'm not. Yet again I am reminded that I am spineless.

But I stand firm.
Perhaps I can justify myself,
And if you are at any degree a true friend at all,
You would stay with me, do not judge me,
And simply be my spine.
You should want to compliment who I am, who I am not.
Give this friendship a meaning.
A bond.
If not what difference are you than these monkeys I see everyday?

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I would go out of my way to do something for someone.

I just hope you know that I'm doing it because I love you,
Not because I'm as dumb as a brick,
Tripping over myself to do shit for you.

As long as you make it worthwhile
I'd be willing to swim through shit for you with a smile.
In return maybe you can make me feel like

You can't say I haven't been a good friend.
I have gone far above and beyond the duties of a best friend,
What more just a mere friend.

So, BE NICE! Be a friend. Be my friend.

Wow I think I'm too intense sometimes.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©


The other day Sam asked me
Where do you get these guys?
And I am like dunno at first.

Now I don't know if this is IACT in particular or
If it's the norm in every college.

Don't guys have respect for girls anymore.
What the fuck is wrong with guys that
I encountered enough people like these.

Can they not like I like you,
Date, hold hands, kiss then the full monty??

Now guys just like YO PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME.


Life fucking sucks.

Aaron also says apparently I give off the vibe.
I am a jerk magnet.


  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I'm not sure if I'm fitting in at all,
But I am glad I am on nobody's list.
I guess that's considered some measurement of success.
In my part anyway.

My sense of humour has little to cold reception here
Which mostly draws wtfs or just confused looks.
I don't know anybody here well enough,
And everybody here knows everybody
I swear to god.

I'm not looking to create a name for myself,
And I used to be satisfied about being who I am,
But lately I'm sick of being "somebody's friend".
Can't I just be Hanz?

I'm not sure if this effort will be gone to waste
But I'm struggling to keep up
Without having to compromise who I am
In fear of what I might become.

Even after so long I don't get invited to shit,
And fuck my life I am too insecured to just jump right in
And when I do I get shot down and my fear
That I make things more awkward becomes more apparent.

I don't push because I know where I'm not wanted.
And I know why.
I'm awkward but I'm willing to try,
All I need is a little chance and a little intoxication.

I never learn my lesson.
You are all the same.
But now despite who you are,
I know what I am in for.

In some ways you can curb my emotions,
And in return I return the favour however I can.
But I know come October,
Everything I worked so hard for,
Returns to dust.

Am I not ready to be their friend or was I never considered one?
Was it ever an option?

As much as I fail.
I think I have come to love you all.


Please me nice to me.

Also, if it's not too much to ask,
Please don't mention plans I am not invited to,
When you know I am dying to go.
Then tell me you're busy.
Then say you're gonna have an awesome time saturday night.

I'd like to think I am a perfectly fine person,
But why does these things make me feel like a pariah?

It's like I'm a female kaiyen.


  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Get the pun? Ahaha.

Here's a reminder to commemorate my courage.
It's long over due but I don't think I would want to forget this moment.
At the age of 22 there are still many firsts for me.
Some I'm not so proud of, but this one in particular, very.

I met him and her for the first time together.
I'm pretty sure in my previous post I did not sound confident.
I regretted, wish I could take it back...
But I threw myself out there.
Trying to look normal, happy, like myself.

I sat through the dinner smoothly,
Even Sam said I look relaxed.
I am glad that my internal "struggle" did not surface.
In the middle of the dinner I grew tired of the front actually.
I saw how sweet they were and I started remembering that
In her place it was I who sat, almost half a year ago.

I started drifting off and I think I got quiet for a moment there.
But then I thought what's happened has happened.
If I was being honest to myself I would say this doesn't have to be the end.
I said before that maybe one day, we could be together again.
But I think only as friends. That would be great.

I think no matter what facade we put ourselves in,
The crack will never be mended.
Behind the scenes, we both are still.. egoistical.
Except he has the upper hand.
And that's not a bad thing.

He deserved it.


Ken said that I was lonely.
I replied that I could get some whenever I wanted.
He said (and I am paraphrasing here)
That having someone to love and having
Someone to sleep with you is different.

So it's true then.
As much as I like to play victim,
Who is using who?
You have your work,
And obviously you don't come on to me any more.
I'm the one who keeps thinking I am some friggin succubus.
Sheesh Hanz get a grip.

Succubus, me.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Haha drama, but quoting Imagine Dragons there.
Anyway the smart-ass that is me suggested a meet-up
With the whole entourage with new gf(s) in hand.

What was I thinking you ask?
Well, It sorta looked like a good idea,
Like just rip the bandage off in one shot right?
So that was what it was.
Meeting her was the closing of the chapter.
The last page before I can entirely have closure.

I am actually happy that he found her,
But being human I worry that I would feel bitter
When I see them. I want to be able to smile and joke
And mean it.

One of my friend was like not ready don't suggest meet up lah!
I know what it seems like.
I assure you I do not intend to stir any shit up.
I just though if I force myself into the situation
I would get over it faster.
So yeah, I may require you to support me.
You didn't understand?
I understand, not everyone is a kelsey.

Back to college.
I have 5 subjects this semester as well,
Each one as boring as the last.
I got a 3.0 this sem and I hope I can maintain it.
Not asking for Dean's List or whatever.

I'm trying to not be so sensitive.
I'm learning from my sister.
We were watching a movie and she wouldn't stop commenting
On everything and I was honestly getting annoyed.
I didn't want to say anything but she seriously went on and on.
So I said "why you talk so much one lol" hoping she would take the hint.
She just laughed and said it's very nice mah this n that.
And I found it so admirable.
Because she doesn't take offense so easily, and it just made things
So god-damn easy.
So the next time someone says something not so nice
I should just accept it with humour and apologize.

Will be going to Bali the end of the year,
Followed by Melbourne.
Does anyone know if we need visa to fly to Aussie?

Kelsey I miss you.
It may seem selfish, because I don't need you,
But I want you here anyway.
You are my.. IPAD.
Funny analogy,
But you are a luxury item I can't afford but miraculously
Given to me for my birthday.
I am so god-damn lucky.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Hello there.
Classes will be starting soon.

My results were terrible.
Like shit.
Two semesters straight.
I can't fool around anymore.

That's what I said last semester, paraphrased lol.

I need to get my shit together.
There is more to life than feeling loved.
It's a dull life but life does go on.

You messaged me recently.
Maybe you didn't think it was anything
But there has got to be a reason why.
So why? What is your intention?
Do you wanna be friends?
Or are you looking for a fuck?
I have more dignity than that.
You can call me petty but I don't appreciate how I was treated
After what we did.
Do you know how to treat a woman with respect ya bastard.

When you do, please teach me.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

So I was suddenly thinking about what HY posted some time ago
I read somewhere that the first mistake can be an accident, 
but the same mistake is by your own choice.
And like clockwork,
My PMS hurls me into this deep abyss of self-analysing
That never fails to bring me down. Yet again.

I can't blame it on vulnerability.
I can't blame it on his charm.
He has no charm.
I am not vulnerable.
I know what the fuck I am doing,
And I did it anyway.
The second time.
Despite every fibre in my body saying no,
(Well okay, just my heart and my mind, my body was very compliant)
I went on ahead and did what I did.

Am I ashamed?
I know I should be.
But I couldn't be bothered.
I am numb.
Like he said.
We are just friends, helping each other out.

I once blogged about how sad people live their lives,
Completely empty, trying to fill the void
But ending up emptier still.
They don't feel.

Perhaps now I realised,
It's not that they don't feel.
They are trying to stop feeling.
To have things in their head that gnaws,
Every chance of numbness or distraction
Is like a breath of fresh air.

Now I don't know what the hell I am doing.
All I know is that I am aware of what I am doing,
And choose to ignore the consequences.
And then suffer them.

Why though?
Why am I trying so hard to be this person?
Going out with random people
With no intention of keeping up,
Leading people on,
Drink, contemplating other various sources
Of entertainment.

Why this sudden?
Am I trying to suppress something?
Will this need last?
Will I begin to do everything in my power
To see that I will eventually hate myself?

Who am I trying to prove myself to?
Where do I intend to go from here?
Am I changing into a different kind of person?


I honestly think Kelsey is a vital component
For me to function correctly now.
Highly suspicious indeed.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Someone who thinks a lot should never be alone.
Especially one with suicidal thoughts.
I'm not trying to be a saint.
I just genuinely care.
I don't seem that way because I also know
That the attention you are looking for is not from me.

I admit I have been going out of my way
To be included in your circle of friends
Your lifestyle was very much different from mine
Regardless you interest me and that goes without saying
And although it seems like I don't try very hard like her
I very much would like to be your friend.

You have your days good and bad
And some days I feel like I know you
And some days not at all.
I see you with two sides,
And I don't know which is real.

I can't save you,
But I promise you don't have to be alone.
I am offering my hand,
Should you take it.
I won't force myself on you,
Because my life still goes on
Regardless of when I am with you or not.

I just really want to help.

But these words will never reach you,
Never touch you.
In fact if I know you at all
You would probably laugh and call me a freak.

I don't know what you want,
But I'm offering friendship.

I don't know why because you make it really hard sometimes.
Maybe you're my crutch when it comes to college
And maybe on hindsight I am the one using you.

I'm just so pissed off you know?
I try hard.
Who are you to me?

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I had an awesome dream.
We were all hanging out and you were there.
Except you weren't all avoidy and double faced and shit.
HY was dressing in ridiculous clothes to make us laugh.
We were waiting for the lift
When the girls disappeared and the boys ran off.
I tried to follow them as they ran into staircases
And the places was humongous.
None of you were in sight and all I saw was a girl downstairs.
She was also finding for a way out.
I stared at her with anger as she sensed my presence and looked up.
I swear I didn't make any noise but yet she heard me.
I walked out to continue looking for you guys.
And then finally HY saw me,
And he was dressed properly this time, and he found me.
He called you guys over but only you came.

I woke up missing us and feeling remorseful.
What can I do to fix this?

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

With more and more things I know about you,
The more and more hurt I feel.
It makes me think back about whether I deserve this or not.

Maybe I do,
And now I'm tasting the same bitter medicine I gave you.
But this is more bitter.
I guess I didn't know what I was saying
When I told you to find other girls.

I just didn't expect it this fast,
This well, and this great.

I wish I didn't know.
Just when I thought I was getting better
 I hear another thing again.

I don't like what's going on right now.
I feel like I wanna hurt you the same way.
With love for another person,
During the mourning of our relationship.

But no matter what, you were, and are still my friend.
I honestly cared about how you were doing,
I honestly worried.

I really want us to be okay.
But it seems you are even avoiding the rest of us.
What is going on with you?
Maybe I deserved this treatment,
But not the rest of them.
Be fair.

You've lost my respect as an ex,
Don't make me lose respect for you as a friend,
And as a person.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

So I found out how long you've been together.
It was kinda hard to swallow.
Then I saw your friend posting that he was already expecting it.

I guess the term
A shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on applies both ways.

You've got some nerve acting all sad and shit
When you were happily flirting with someone else.
But fine, you deserve it after all the shit I put you through.
True, I can justify myself
But in the end we just weren't working out.
No amount of words is gonna put things right,
Or give back the time and effort we invested in this relationship.

I was all about being happy for you and shit
But right now not so much.
Kinda took it out on anne and yip for a while there
I think I felt bad but I meant to say what I said.

But I can't take revenge on the expense of the rest of us anymore.
You guys are too damned important to me,
Regardless of whether you appreciate me or not.
 I know that I love you guys,
And good friends are hard to find.

Although to be honest you weren't really a good friend either.
You are too self involved to follow up with friends.
Good luck with that.


Okay NOW I feel better..
  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

.On the way to work today Dad and I are just doing our
Usual chatting, and the topic of relationships came up.
I don't know how it got there but dad mentioned that
When we were much younger mom tried to give us up
But dad said no because he already has a family of his own.

This was the first time I heard of this.
Dad said mom said that in jest, but does it matter?
Mommy didn't want us, daddy didn't want us.

Dad mentioned that if mom didn't have us
Mom would have probably been remarried and been happier.

I know this is going to sound drama,
But it's really something I naturally started to think.
If mom didn't have us as burdens,
Would she be happier now?
If she had a choice, would she wish she had aborted us instead?
Were we nothing but reminders that she fucked up her life?
And now she clings to us
because we are the only thing she has left
To prove that she has done something in her life.

My eyes started to water on the way to work
And no matter how many times I tried to convince myself
That what dad said was true, that mom only said that in jest,
But for a moment there, in that short period of time
My mom tried to give us up, on that day that I don't even remember,
We were orphans, our lives being passed around
Like unwanted clubs and diamonds of three.

I have never ever felt that unwanted in my life.
It probably would have been better if mommy remarried.
If we weren't accidents.

So I don't think it's unfair that I look for someone
I could live with for the rest of my life
because my life doesn't end here as an orphan
because I can be the start of a brand new happy family,
With children and no worries that they will be fatherless.

I rather be single for the rest of my life than to ever
Put a child through a divorce, ever.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Someone who is similar
Or someone completely different?
Something familiar or something unknown?
Which one is better?
And by better, what exactly does that entail?
Like, is it better to last?
Or is it better that it's more exciting?
Is it better to agree on everything?
Is it better to have arguments and compromise?

I'm not so sure.
Is there an in between?
Would you call that perfect or just meh?

Maybe I'm a little traditional in the way
Where I do want to get married
And do not want a divorce
(Not that people go around thinking yeah I wanna get divorced
At least twice in my life, that's be swell)
But I want a functioning relationship, partnership if you will.

I always thought love and spark never last.
So what's important are the kids.
They should never go through having two addresses.

Although so, It doesn't mean I don't believe in it.
I just accept that in reality love doesn't always last.
But I'm still hopeful that one may possibly.
And it may not be the very next relationship I have.
Because I should be that lucky.

I know that there will be many broken hearts before
I find him. Perfect or not.
He will be my pillar.
Call me anti-feminist but I want someone to depend on.
Someone to protect me,
Someone to tell me what to do when I'm lost,
A man.
I don't even mind if I love him more,
As long as he can provide.

I once told Kels I don't even mind if he goes out looking for girls,
As long as at the end of the day he comes back.
Sort of like you go for noodles sometimes
But you know you'll always have rice.

Someone different from me would be
Exciting, outgoing, charming, fearless.
Not a particular set of trait on a man
I think I can spend the rest of my life time with.

I mean, I know I'm like UGH
But I just can't get it through.
Like dating for the sake of it.
I just can't.
I'll start imagining one day when we get a house together,
Go for holidays with a bunch of friends,
Start a family and shit.
I just always, always wanted a complete family.

Maybe I should scout around places like the library.

Yeah someone just like me would be the most stable.
I don't know if that is considered better,
But who is to say anyway right?

How about I do that now..
And worry about a husband to be later?

or do I?
Hahaha I am so crazy,
And you triggered it.

I will remember you confirm la.
You were my very own gateway drug to who I am not.
I'll be there as long as you need me
But don't make me regret opening my heart to you.

Also you big son of a bitch I bled.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Hahaha reading last night's post cracked me up.
For some reason I just let it happen.
And I feel fine.
What's up with that?

Also apparently we'e been everyone's source of entertainment.
People think I like him.
Well, I am attached to him because he's the one I'm closest to,
And I won't say I don't like him?
It's just, it's more complicated than that.
He's not my type, I'm not his type,
It's more of a physical thing I guess.
We both definitely do not match emotionally,
Even intellectually.
Our lifestyle don't match at all,
It would take a lot of hard work to keep up with him.
Plus with his mouth HOW THE FUCK will I ever be secured
I know I shouldn't judge but yea,
How will I know that he's really changed?

Not that he's really into me either but
If he could convince me that he could be loyal
Then we could date I guess.

Also he doesn't believe in love.
So I'm not sure what to expect from him then
Should we date.
Like what are we? Exclusive fuck buddies?
Lol. I just can't do that yet.
And I don't think I'm being very unrealist of me.

Love is very real.
It doesn't last yes,
But that doesn't disprove it's existence.
I want to fall in love,
Because you can fall in lust with every tom dick and harry.
I know, I do.

There are moments where I just want the D too alright.
I just don't follow through because those are just fantasies.
I can't sleep with someone and not be emotionally attached.
Yes I am those type of girl and I'm not gonna deny it
And pretend I'm cool and shit.
I want to sleep with a guy who only wants to sleep with me.
There I said it.
Fuck people who makes me feel like some dumbass
For wanting this shit, seriously.

Maybe you should respect yourself more.
Ironically I didn't lol.
But I feel okay.
I thought I'd feel remorse and shame
But I'm like MEH.

Kids, you see what social influence does to you
over time?

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Was supposed to work on my Multimedia assignment
But I have an errand to run for my brother,
So will be heading out in a mo.

Later on tonight I'll be sleeping over.
I hope he doesn't try anything funny.
I'm still a little bit attached,
But I don't wanna be taken advantage of any more.

From the way he speaks about girls yesterday
Was a little stab every now and then at my dignity and pride.
I put on a smile but fuck am I ashamed.
I'm not a place for you to store your d alright?
Thank God he can't put me on his list.
Although I was halfway there.

I have feelings okay,
I'm not a fucking pudgy pin cushion.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I don't know what it is, but yeah I do!
I decided I should go out more
And so I am and will be.
This Saturday I will be going out with some high school
Friends I don't usually hang out with but okay chemistry.
He thinks I am very confident LOL
But I decided I should not care about whatever I am feeling
Just disregard all the insecurities and fear
Go out of my comfort zone and just make more friends.

Although Ken is just being himselfs
His jab at my ex was like LOL
And I brightened up.

Check up moved to Friday.
Will blog about it.

Recently sold a watch to Pri, a girl from college.
Like everybody here they are really nice
But if they want they can bite back la.
I'm glad I don't piss anyone off.. yet.
Although I was quiet but I had fun.
I think I'll always be the listening type.
Unless it's Kelsey because my mouth non stoppppp.

Hey maybe Kelsey is my verbal toilet from all the
Word constipation I face during college HAHAHAHAHA

Oh my.. I am so lame.
  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Fuck my fucking life la.
Seriously I am not okay with that fucking picture just FML FML
It's not about me wanting him back or shit
It's that it's too fucking fast la.
Three months THREE MONTHS
And I'm supposed to take this shit like a mature person

To clear the air should it come up again
Amongst my friend or should I die from fucking depression
Yes I love him but no I can't take the way he deals with shit
And how he's too dependent so we broke up on these terms
He grow the fuck up and discover there are better girls out there
Compared to me.
And of course he found one lol alright it's on me.

I have nothing against her though.
She is pretty much virtually perfect for him.
Soft spoken, feminine, studies the same course
(I think) know and hang out with the same friends,
Speaks chinese, skinny and tall. And fine. PRETTY.

Omg we are literally different in every aspect.
Besides the fact that we are of the same gender.
Oh wait not even that lol.

So yeah, THE FACT IS even if he wants me back I wouldn't take him,
(so Sam, yeah I know I dumped him. HEY WAIT A MIN I DIDN'T

Yay more reasons to be depressed.

It's more to how fucking fast he got over me.
Three months ago it was shit like
"I will never give up" and all that jazz like he cannot
Live without me then he up and goes and just started
Courting another girl barely a month later.

I mean assuming it took him 2 months to court the girl.
We broke up on Nov 19th but was still hanging out until
We fought about you giving me my space but then reprimanded me for it.
That was about 20th of January.
Today is 2nd of April (HAPPY BIRTHDAY AHMA)
So in 72 days, literally three months to the dot.
Wow darling I was worth that much to you.

Okay yeah rebound but who said rebounds never last?
In fact it's fucking awesome to have rebounds
Because you have someone to fuck away the shit in your life.

I need to get drunk.
Forget about you because you have no respect
Regret being together with you if I meant so little to you.
I literally gave you everything weh.
Time,energy, love, patience, money.
Provided I did not have patience
But it took me 2 years to break it off didn't I?
Can't say I never tried.

Okay, all rantings aside.
I still wish you and Wei Sen can (probably will la)
Last longer than we do.

Also, what's the appropriate amount of time
Should it be okay anyway?
I think half a year is good.

Seriously expected more from you.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

.While having dinner with mom,
I told her that my dad thinks if I had the product knowledge,
I could be a very outstanding sales person,
Even better than himself maybe.
My mom chuckled and said
"Aiyah he sweet talker"
Which kinda proves how much my mom thinks of me
Although it is a bit far fetched because my dad
Is excellent in customer service and is a very very
Charming person.
I was a little hurt because she was so ready to dismiss it,
But then this is coming from the same person
Who thinks I can't sing.

So fast forward a day, and we're having dinner again.
I showed her some pictures I took with my S3
And then editted with photoshop.
Although this is without her permission,
I think she wouldn't mind.

I'm not saying these belong in the met
But hey from S3 okay ma right.
So I ask nice or not she say okay la.

Then I sat back and thought.
Was there ever a time my mom actually gave me a compliment?
I thought about it, and the only thing that ever came close was
That she only scold me and not my brother
Because I understand and my brother doesn't.
That was it.

I told her she never compliments me.
She said where got and then said don't start with her in the public
While we are out having a nice dinner.
I just shut up and eat la my dinner.
Then she nonchalantly said "Wah, good thing you suggested
We order two different dishes.You're so clever.
There, I compliment you right?"

Yes mom, if only live were that easy.
It got me thinking if the reason why I am always insecured
And always thinking I'm not good enough,
Always thinking someday everybody will leave me
Simply because I never am gonna be good enough
Roots from this?

I mean, to this day.
I still worry that Kelsey would have had enough of me
And wouldn't wanna be my friend anymore.
It's a tiring job (for kelsey),
But what I have is probably a self fulfilling prophecy.
That people leave me not because I suck,
But because I worry that I suck, so much.

I always need to be reminded that I am important,
That I matter.
If not I will start worrying if I am.
Or if I overstay my welcome.
If I annoy people.
If I If I If I.
Wow that was hard to type.

Or maybe I just fucked up la.

Also 9Gag says intelligent people have copper or silver hair.
I have both, although the last time it was sighted was back in INTI.
Wow IACT brings the dumb out of people don't they.

Uhm the next paragraph is gonna be disgusting.
So don't say I never warn you kay.
I recently found a lump in my nether regions.
I thought it was just a growth or whatever,
But it hasn't been going away, and it's getting bigger.

I just told my mom about it and she said to go have a check up.
So wednesday it is.
I don't know if it's anything I should worry about,
But drama that I am,
I think if I die it would be alright.
Aiyah cannot lah who will take care of my mom.

Okay guess I cannot die then.

Also, if kelsey is reading this,
she can probably imagine how I would say this because
I say it all the time.


Hahaha how appropriate it is now!

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

You've obviously successfully moved on.
It was only because I had a long talk with Michelle that made me realise
What I've done to myself.

When we broke up,
I was worried about you.
I wanted to make things easier for you.
I decided to cut all ties with our friends,
Because they should be there for you.
I am strong, I will be fine.
Or so I thought.

I didn't talk to you,
I didn't talk to anyone of our friends about you.
I just thought completely no communication is the best way.
And of course, everything worked out.
Except for the fact that you don't talk much to HY,
Because I needed a friend.

It was the worst thing I have done for myself.
In order to make things easy for all of us,
I shunned myself.
I blame myself for what's become; if I didn't date you
Nothing of this sort would happen.

And so I chose the worst time to be alone.
Kelsey moved to Australia,
So I have no other close friends beside me.

I didn't know what I was feeling at first,
And I sort of numbed myself.
I didn't want to do anything, talk to anyone.
I literally just wanna go home and lie on my bed.
Do something that doesn't make me think.

I felt vulnerable and clung on to the next thing that
Could appease my emotional needs even by a little bit.
I clung on to something that hurt me.
And all I could feel is emptiness.
Even with a guy that treats me like I'm worthless,
I still wanted more.
I just want to feel like I matter to somebody.
That with me around life is better.
To be appreciated.
And in the end I just felt used.

So out of all these things that happened,
I had no idea what was going on with me.
I literally did not have the want to do anything.
By the end of March I was practically living in a dump.
My room is a mess, there are clothes all over the floor
Assignments are going crazy, my mom's nagging me outside the door
And I just layed down and look at the ceiling.
I didn't answer her. I simply didn't care.

Then only recently when I talked to Michelle,
She made me realise that, I haven't started the healing process myself.
I needed to get over you too.
And I haven't.
I was so determined to make you forget me
I forgot that I was also a player in the game that we lost.

When we broke up, nobody asked if I was okay,
And I was so caught up with telling HY to take care of you
I didn't even understand that we broke up.
We, meaning you, and ALSO me.

So, now I feel this soreness.
I know how long it took you to get over your last ex.
Maybe I didn't mean that much to you,
But then again it was what I told you to do.
Get a new gf, don't be blinded.
Then it made me happy that you were happy.

I'll get over you soon.
But for now I just want to get lost in a moment.

Michelle also made me realise
I don't know how married couples are.
Like, do they talk a lot?
Or how much time they spend together.
I just have no idea.
I had no example to follow.
I don't have a complete set of family.

Divorced kids.
It's no big deal actually,
But it does have an impact psychologically.
And it took one rant to make me realise,
I have no idea what a functioning relationship is like.

One day.

P.S: I wish he don't rub it in my face.
It's been three months and we've been going out for two years.
Have some respect.
  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

Is casual sex really so casual?
I mean, does it really mean nothing?
How hurt do you have to be to be able to sleep with anybody?
If you were truly happy you wouldn't need this compulsion
To sleep with multiple people, wouldn't you think?

I see it in television all the time.
You celebrate valentines and anniversaries,
You sleep together and call them your significant other.
But It's so hard to say I love you?
What's with this culture?!
I mean how sad do you have to be?

I mean, it's pretty much the same as being with a pet.
Minus the animal sex of course, but basically,
Without love there's only companionship.
In that case the crazy cat lady is a sluuuuuuuuuuuuut hahaha.

How can one be in a "relationship" and don't see marriage in the horizon?
For fun? For company? So you're not alone?
I mean that's just sad.
Not to say that it's exactly a fun place to be
Being single and all, and maybe I haven't been single long enough
To be desperate to that extent, but that's just it, isn't it?
You're being with someone because you don't want to be lonely.

So pretty much whoever comes first gets a go.
That's not okay with me.
Maybe I'll change my mind when I'm single for the next two years,
But right now... not so much.

Would I call myself a prude?
I wouldn't. But that's just me.
I know I'm not the most adventurous when it comes to sexual partners
But is it SO WRONG to not want to sleep with someone
Unless I expect it will go further?
It doesn't HAVE to be marriage,
But I want to know it will go somewhere.

(Alright I reread what I wrote and even I have to admit I sound scary here)
Not just two people banging exclusively (if it is indeed exclusively)

I mean, how dumb do I have to be
To sleep with someone I KNOW doesn't care?
Boys will be boys but that doesn't mean we should indulge them!

Basically, romance is dead,
In fact, ITS WEIRD and CORNY.

Seriously guys.
Fuck you.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

A fight we had.
We were in my room and we just fought about something
I can't seem to remember.
We were about to head out for a movie and I was getting ready.
I put on my sour face in hope that you would come
And try to console me.
You instead stayed on the bed and played with my iPad.
So I just brushed it off and continued getting ready
With my make up, trying to put on some blush.
Naturally I would smile so that I can see where should
I concentrate my blusher on.
At that moment you looked up at me
Seeing how my sour face turned into my cheeky smile
And laughed, you said that I was so cute.
I pretended to be still angry.

But I was also laughing inside.
You still didn't console me though and I forgot about it
And we had a great time,
Until our next fight.
  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I'd be lying if I said I never thought about you,
Because I am most worried about you, and how you're holding up.
The ironic thing is I am trying so hard to not show that I care.
I don't ask anybody because.. I don't know.
Ego problem I guess. I know I was not the nicest
And I didn't care to be reminded of it.

But it's really an eyesore to see anything about you.
Stupid facebook keep telling me where you are and who you're with,
To try to turn it off.
But I can't. So I have to deal with the feelings
That come to me when I see those notifications.
What's worse is thanks to technology
I get triple reminded of it on my laptop, my phone and my ipad.

On the other hand,
Semester is ending soon, Ben left us for good
And now our number has dwindled down to three.
I don't think I will be seeing him around but I sure will miss him.

I'm about to do something soon which I never thought I would.
YOLO, right?
The bad thing is it's not peer pressure, I asked for it.
So, no matter what happens, it's on me.
But it's controlled, so no big deal.
Just wanna have fun, loosen some reins,
Get lost in the music, and maybe the pleasure.
Not worrying about what's right and what wrong but what's good.

Not sure where my life is heading right now,
But I got work from a friend and next semester I will be taking
Web design classes, very excited.
And maybe from there I can do what I love doing.
Earn some money.
Then my mom wouldn't need to work anymore.
She's OLD.

Ahh I am actually kinda excited for what's about to happen
Like a little kid going for a roller coaster ride.
I don't even know if I come off that way at all
But it's like I'm breathing for the first time.
I feel... BAD. HAHAHA. ME. BAD.
Just the thought is so hilarious.

I said I wanted to get tipsy/drunk for a mo
And Ken laughed at me.
Said I'm too cute to be drunk.
Lately a lot of people use the word cute on me.
I think it's sarcastic, but then again whatever.
If I say so I may be stamped insecure again.
Which I am.
Rub a dub dub.

So, yea.
I need to forget.
Someone make me forget.
Or make me new memories.
Because now I'm living in the aftermath,
Where the nothingness reminds me of every single thing
That has happened last year, the beginning of this year.
It reminds me of all the shit I've done,
Shit I have yet to fix,
Shit I feel guilty for,
Shit I am about to do,
and Shit I just haven't done.

God, if you still see me,
Take care of me.

  - -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©