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Archive for 04/12

Things have been different lately.
I don't usually practice superstition but what Sam said struck me as odd.
I mean come on, I just stated that 2012 has been the worst year of my life so far,
And then Sam says it's our zodiac's bad year.
Well obviously not, other 21 year olds seems to be having a pretty
Kick ass time down at G6 shooting beers.

So far I've been broke, been cheated, been hurt,
And I've just experienced my most dramatic moment of this year:
Pondering if anybody would care if I died.
(Only two people symphatised, one laughed.
I'm glad she still finds me humoring I guess.)
Of course, seeing that I've been nothing but protecting myself
I haven't been very nice to people I may or may not know.
I just didn't want to be taken advantage of.
It wasn't the right thing to do, but like some guy I forgot his name said:
If you live your life pleasing other people you FAIL.
(I may have paraphrased quite a bit)

But probably so far the worrisome thing was my relationship.
We fight, we don't solve the problems, pushed it to another day,
Then somehow it evolves to something else.
I don't even want to try anymore.
I think this was the only reason I cried (many fucking times) this year.
What's the point? In the end I'll be the one on the consoling end
When really all I wanted was to be consoled.
So I've been rather attention seeking, but isn't that what girls do?
To feel loved within an inch of her life, is that too much to ask?
If it is then I don't even want to start thinking about the future.

It's true about expectations, though.
Don't have any.
I used to think that having expectations brings progress and growth.
It's not.
It decays and brings disappointment in various forms.
It's really better to not expect anything from anyone (regardless)
Because chances are you're not that lucky.
In life you really shouldn't get your hopes up.
Romantic movies are the equivalent of models in your magazine covers.
They photoshop things to perfection and present to you an illusion
That are not real, making you think that you "deserve" to be treated specially.
Nope, that's just commercialization. Fuck.

I just don't feel like he cares.
He probably won't even find out about this blogpost until September. Of next year.
He's just not interested. He doesn't know how to process me.
I'm probably alien to him. In fact I don't even know why we're holding on.
Because of love? It sure seems like it. When was the last time we were happy?
For me it was when I discovered we can talk without arguing, for once.
I mean, for a relationship that's lasted for a year and a half,
Is that sad or what?
And when I needed someone to talk to, I find myself alone.
I tried calling people, but when they don't pick the phone,
I only feel more rejection.
Do you know how much dramatic despair you'd feel when you're sad and alone
And when you tried to call someone they're not there?

That is the moment when you feel most alone.
When you've got no one.
So what If I have been nice before?
Look where it ended?
Cookie's gone.
Kenji's gone.
Zhukor's gone.
College friends?

I understand.
I'm not the most easiest person to like or click with.
I'm quiet in a group,
When I meet someone new I try to hard not to extend my inevitable lameness
I'm level zero on the social heirarchy.
If only I played games I'd be a perfect loser.

I'm just gonna take back my heart I just so simply give away,
I'm not gonna throw myself and I just want to love me for now.
No one can love you more than you right?
I love yous are meaningless if you say it everyday.
It's what you feel at night when you go to bed.
You'll know if you're happy.

I am not happy.
I hope someone can make me.

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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

I've got some work to do,
And I'm also dealing with my relationship problems.

It's like this design thing I'm working on.
I thought it was easy, but hell, it's not.
Every other template is written by another person,
And it doesn't always work the same way.
Somewhere along the line, some idiot is going to write
Some shitty CSS which is just plain old crap
He or she managed to string together,
And somehow looked great, just not when dismantled.

Just like many other living beings,
Being committed to one is not a walk in a park.
Sure, you get perks like sex or if it was a pet, companionship.
But there are also factors like disagreement, or shit duty.
It's not a walk in a park.
There are things you will need to work at,
Things that won't go away even if you ignore them long enough.
So how do you deal with these differences?
I honestly don't know how.
Breaking up is not an option I want to consider,
But what happens when you don't see a solution near the horizon?

On another note,
I think I've been taking things too lightly, and underestimating them.
Or rather, overestimating my own abilities.
What you may think is picture perfect maybe just be the one disaster
Your client was hoping not to see.
That doesn't mean you suck (or maybe you do, sometimes).
It just means that you and your client just don't agree...
There isn't one marketing strategy in the world
That are applicable to all age groups.
Not one. (... Is there?)
(Here ends my self consolation.)

So what's my point?
I was gonna rant about my problems, but it just got fixed.
(Albeit it took about 2 hours and about 2 ltrs of tears and snot).

Oh just ignore me.
I think this might be me being helpless and thus relieving stress..
BECAUSE I AM STUCK designing a website for my friend.
AND I am at a huge inconvenience because my car broke down,
And I need to stay with my dad, who is not pro-internet.

On the other hand,
I got to know how lovely my stepsisters are :D
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Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©