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Hello there.
It's been close to two years since I've written here.

A lot of shit has since happened.
I am only writing here because I feel helpless.
I don't know what I want, so I don't know how to achieve what I want.
I just know that what I am having now is what I don't want.
So yeah, life is awesome.

I moved out from my mom's house a couple of years ago.
I moved in with a bunch of guys.
We were pretty tight.
Then suddenly I got molested.
I blamed myself.
I didn't know how to handle.
I pushed it away.
But I felt unsafe, unsupported, partly because I pushed people away.
That was on me I guess.
I wanted to be alone.
I didn't know how to explain that, and I didn't want to.
So then, I moved out.

Throughout this time I was dealing with the beginning of a few things.
Starting my job at my dad's place.
Struggling with my friends.
I just thought, I'll wait it out.
It would get better.

Today I have cut ties with those friends.
Even after reaching out reluctantly,
I was still let down.
I thought maybe they did not get the hint so I made it obvious.
But nothing's changed.

I didn't want them to beg,
I wanted them to show that they care.
But after all that and what that bitch of a friend sam said,
I just decided, you know what, I'm not gonna wait anymore.
I'm done with these friends who don't even call.
Yeah maybe I shouldn't have just left without saying anything,
And I guess I deserve it when they didn't say anything in return.

Working at my pops is equally frustrating.
I don't know what I'm doing, but I am trying my best.
But my best is easily worth MYR3500 with experience.
Anyone can be hired, really.

I'm not like jie or kor who actually knows shit about watches.
I can't even digest much about watches even after working here for three years.
I really feel I can be replaced at any time,
But I'm just at this job because I'm family and..
What else am I supposed to do?

Geez.

I'm writing this in my room right now.
While Bryan is asleep on the couch.
Don't worry he slept there voluntarily.
Not sure if it's because he saw me crying in our bedroom.
I heard his footsteps so I'm pretty sure he knew what I was doing.

But he didn't care.
He just does't do anything.
He doesn't bring in money, sex, happiness.
He's just around to help me cook and throw rubbish.
Lately I've been feeling like if he wasn't around,
It wouldn't make a difference.

I love him a lot, honestly.
But lately I've been wondering why.
And whether, like many aspects of my life,
Should I continue waiting in hopes that things will change for the better?

I mean, I can change myself, but I can't change other people.
And If I gave them a chance to change,
And they didn't, then.. what's the point?

What is it, like I have some unrealistic expectations here?
That's another thing.
I don't even know what I want.

I don't know what do couples do when they are at home together.
How do they engage each other?
How do I not feel like I'm neglecting or not being neglected
When I am doing my own things?

Why does it feel like we're just room mates that stay in the same house?
Whether I am home or not he behaves the same way.
And lately I don't think I have been trying to make him happy.
More like what does he do to make ME happy?

I mean, we're not even having much sex.
Like, what are you providing me then?
Emotional support? Ack.
Sex? Ack.
Money? Ack Ack.

So, what CAN I expect from you?
What is your purpose in my life?
Company? I could get a pet ya know.
But no, I can't say that because I love him.
Or maybe I'm just scared no one else will.

Because everyone I cared a lot for is gone.
So maybe it is me afterall,
But it's not like I can live in Kelsey's pockets forever.

So yea, currently, really hate myself.
Hate my life particularly because I don't know how to improve it.
Just in a rut. Stuck. Lazy. Tired.

That's me.

EDIT: Things are better now on the BF front. Patience is golden.
  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com - Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

It's December.
My last post was in May.
I was thinking of privatising this blog and I did.
Just a place I can rant whenever I feel like it.

But what if I died?
Maybe they would like to see the 17 year old me to remember me by.
Or is that perhaps the worst age they could have possibly have to choose from?

Anyway.
I haven't been blogging because I didn't want to jinx it.
But I've met the most wonderful guy.
We've been together since my birthday
So that makes it about two months plus.
Relatively new.
I'm not gonna go ahead and make a conclusion that
We're gonna last because that hows all relationships start.
But I'll just naively said I have a good feeling about this one.

Scared? Hell yes.
But I have never felt more loved or wanted.
He makes me feel things.
He was so unexpected and I still can find new things to surprise me everyday.
We said so many same things at the same time
It kind of feels pointless to say "UNCANNY" again after the first dozen times.

***

I saw on FB that Jon finally met another girl and that they are official.
I guess I didn't wreck him.
I guess I was just the wrong person after all.
I feel happy for the both of us.
To know that we both have found someone better for us.

I have deleted parts of him from here and my mind.
I would think that would be for the best.

***

Bryan is in London right now.
I miss him like a flower missing spring.
So does he actually.
He gets cold easily so I got him a scarf
BUT OF COURSE
Fate goes against me and brought London 0 degrees with SNOW.
Sorry I brought my bad luck to you T.T

***

Work is as usual.
Nothing new there. We moved to a new place that
Requires me to wear a uniform so I guess there's that?

***

I guess it's obvious I unprivatised my blog
But I am not sure why.
I guess there is no fun in writing something only I can see I guess.
I haven't been to Kelsey's place for a long time now
And I felt effing guilty so I guess after the honeymoon period
Wears off I'll start re-prioritising my time to make sure I
Keep in contact with everyone I care about.

***

In other news.
Something different happened (or rather did not)
And I can't say I am surprised and
I can safely say to that friendship a hoppity
GOOD BYE!

I am aware that sounds rather immature for a 24 year old manager
But hey, not everyone is worth my time and effort.
As you grow old you have less fucks to give
And at this point my top 5 priorities are all sharing
The same two fucks divided between them so yeah.

Go fuck yourselves people.
.
  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

So Sam has been talking to me about Tinder,
And apparently there are non-perverts around.

7/10 guys who speak to me are looking for a fuck,
The other three is asking for me to vote for their picture on Facebook.

Seriously, what is it about me?
I am rather chubby and have a friendly disposition
Is there something about me that oozes sexuality?

I mean sure, I have big boobs,
But which fat chick doesn't?
I don't dress sluttily; in fact I think I dress like a girl.
Like a girl TRYING to be 20.
I don't wear high heels or deep v dresses,
I don't have slutty makeup on and I don't have fab hair.
There is nothing WOMANLY about me.

So what is it about me that attracts guys who just wants to sleep with me?
I don't get it.

Oh wait, it's SIMPLY because I have a pussy isn't it?
Or it's because of my weight that they assume I would be an easy lay?
NOT A CHALLENGE??

Well I'll show you.

It's so annoying when a guy approaches you,
And you think hey maybe this guy finds me interesting.
We can be friends and have a good conversation over dinner.
Nah, he's not speaking to me to get in my pants.
Is he?
BOOM, HE IS.

And that's always the case with me.
Always.

THEN PATHETICALLY,
When a guy who HONESTLY finds me interesting comes along,
I would be so distrustful because of what I've been through,
And I put all these assumptions into my head,
And make the whole thing go sour.

I swear it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Omg, is that right?
I haven't had a long term relationship since LW,
And that's in 2012.
It's been three years.

And here I am, scarred but not broken.
Just very dull and in need of a little polishing.

Okay this is getting a little too depressing.
How to trust people without getting hurt?
I thought I could trust Jonathan and look what happened.
The one time in three years I let my defenses down,
I hurt so bad I was bordering depression and anxiety.
January to March was the worst months I've had in my life.
At least with my mom I could sleep it over and it would be fine.

Jonathan was occuring every morning for those past months,
I'm surprised I got through what I did.
Okay I was being a pussy about it and I'm all better now,
But it was still hard alright?

So sick and tired of being replaced so friggin fast.

  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©

So apparently I have more crap to say during my menstrual cycles.
Was just looking for songs that I had written but forgotten
Because I wanted to properly record them as a whole song before
I forget about them so I searched my blog with the term
"Songs".
Of course that wasn't a bright idea at all given that I would
Most probably have used that word in more than 18 posts.
So all of the posts just came pouring out.

Now, I came across this blog post of mine back in 2010.
And I said the same things Jon said.
That I have a clear sense of right and wrong,
And if I think saying the right things will hurt you,
Then it is a necessary pain that you have to go through
In order for you to learn.

Which is completely different to what I think now.
Because right is less important than illusions.
If illusions never hurt anybody,
Why bother with the truth?

Life is as difficult as it is,
Why live in Hard Mode.
We'll go though it as tutorial and if we get a second chance,
THEN we'll go expert aight?

So the point of this post is,
I was where Jon was when I was 19 and he is now 23
So there you go solid proof that females mature faster.

I miss him.
.
  - Miss-Hanz.Blogspot.com -
Miss-Hanz™ is a registered blog. All Copyrights Reserved.©